1
00:01:35,656 --> 00:01:38,494
- Who are you?
- We are three wise men.
2
00:01:38,494 --> 00:01:41,253
- What?
- We are three wise men.
3
00:01:41,253 --> 00:01:44,732
Well, what are you doing creeping around
a cow shed at 2:00 in the morning?
4
00:01:44,732 --> 00:01:47,412
That doesn't sound
very wise to me.
5
00:01:47,412 --> 00:01:50,653
- We are astrologers.
- We have come from the east.
6
00:01:50,653 --> 00:01:52,892
Is this some kind of joke?
7
00:01:52,892 --> 00:01:54,812
We wish to praise the infant.
8
00:01:54,812 --> 00:01:56,732
We must pay homage to him.
9
00:01:56,732 --> 00:02:00,012
Homage? You're drunk!
It's disgusting!
10
00:02:00,012 --> 00:02:03,930
Out the door! Out! Bashing me with
tales about Oriental fortunetellers.
11
00:02:03,930 --> 00:02:06,211
- Come on, out!
- No, no. We must see him.
12
00:02:06,211 --> 00:02:09,569
- Go and praise someone else's brat.
- We were led by a star.
13
00:02:09,569 --> 00:02:11,691
Led by a bottle, more like.
Go on out.
14
00:02:11,691 --> 00:02:13,770
We must see him.
We have brought presents.
15
00:02:13,770 --> 00:02:16,011
- Out!
- Gold, frankincense, myrrh.
16
00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:18,890
Well, why didn't you say?
He's over there.
17
00:02:18,890 --> 00:02:21,091
Sorry the place
is a bit of a mess.
18
00:02:22,491 --> 00:02:25,969
- Well, what is myrrh anyway?
- It is a valuable balm.
19
00:02:25,969 --> 00:02:29,969
A balm? What are you giving him
a balm for? It might bite him.
20
00:02:29,969 --> 00:02:33,089
- What?
- That's a dangerous animal.
21
00:02:33,089 --> 00:02:35,329
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
22
00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:38,009
- It's great big and...
- No, it is an ointment.
23
00:02:38,009 --> 00:02:42,167
Well, there is an animal
called a balm or did I dream it?
24
00:02:42,167 --> 00:02:45,448
So you're astrologers, are you?
Well, what is he then?
25
00:02:46,448 --> 00:02:48,208
What star sign is he?
26
00:02:48,208 --> 00:02:52,487
- Well, Capricorn.
- Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
27
00:02:52,487 --> 00:02:54,967
He is the Son of God,
our Messiah.
28
00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:56,888
King of the Jews!
29
00:02:56,888 --> 00:03:00,127
- That's Capricorn, is it?
- No, that's just him.
30
00:03:00,127 --> 00:03:03,289
Oh, I was gonna say, otherwise
there would be a lot of them.
31
00:03:03,289 --> 00:03:06,446
- By what name are you calling him?
- Brian.
32
00:03:06,446 --> 00:03:11,006
We worship you, O Brian,
who are lord over us all.
33
00:03:11,006 --> 00:03:16,164
Praise unto you, Brian, and
to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
34
00:03:16,164 --> 00:03:18,246
- You do a lot of this then?
- What?
35
00:03:18,246 --> 00:03:20,326
- This praising.
- No, no, no, no.
36
00:03:20,326 --> 00:03:23,245
Well, if you're
dropping by again, do pop in.
37
00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:25,846
And thanks a lot for
the gold and frankincense.
38
00:03:25,846 --> 00:03:29,246
But don't worry too much
about the myrrh next time, all right?
39
00:03:29,246 --> 00:03:31,644
Thank you.
Goodbye.
40
00:03:33,407 --> 00:03:35,644
Well, weren't they nice?
41
00:03:35,644 --> 00:03:38,964
Out of their bloody minds,
but still... look at that!
42
00:03:38,964 --> 00:03:41,365
Here! Here!
43
00:03:41,365 --> 00:03:44,725
That... That's mine!
Hey, he's a baby!
44
00:03:56,645 --> 00:03:57,566
Shut up!
45
00:04:07,125 --> 00:04:09,561
Brian
46
00:04:09,561 --> 00:04:12,561
The babe they called Brian
47
00:04:14,125 --> 00:04:16,845
He grew
48
00:04:16,845 --> 00:04:20,042
Grew, grew and grew
49
00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:23,282
Grew up to be
50
00:04:23,282 --> 00:04:26,443
Grew up to be
51
00:04:26,443 --> 00:04:29,642
A boy called Brian
52
00:04:29,642 --> 00:04:32,721
A boy called Brian
53
00:04:34,044 --> 00:04:37,761
He had arms and legs
54
00:04:37,761 --> 00:04:40,962
And hands and feet
55
00:04:40,962 --> 00:04:43,399
This boy
56
00:04:43,399 --> 00:04:47,479
Whose name was Brian
57
00:04:47,479 --> 00:04:50,641
And he grew
58
00:04:50,641 --> 00:04:53,879
Grew, grew and grew
59
00:04:53,879 --> 00:04:56,760
Grew up to be
60
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,959
Yes, he grew up to be
61
00:04:59,959 --> 00:05:03,280
A teenager called Brian
62
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:06,999
A teenager called Brian
63
00:05:06,999 --> 00:05:10,278
And his face became spotty
64
00:05:10,278 --> 00:05:13,718
Yes, his face became spotty
65
00:05:13,718 --> 00:05:17,079
And his voice
dropped down low
66
00:05:17,079 --> 00:05:20,398
And things started to grow
67
00:05:20,398 --> 00:05:23,518
On young Brian and show
68
00:05:23,518 --> 00:05:27,237
He was certainly no
69
00:05:27,237 --> 00:05:30,518
No girl named Brian
70
00:05:30,518 --> 00:05:33,997
Not a girl named Brian
71
00:05:41,597 --> 00:05:44,397
And he started to shave
72
00:05:44,397 --> 00:05:46,995
And have one off the wrist
73
00:05:46,995 --> 00:05:50,715
And want to see girls
74
00:05:50,715 --> 00:05:54,235
And go out and get pissed
75
00:05:54,235 --> 00:05:57,396
A man called Brian
76
00:05:57,396 --> 00:06:00,714
This man called Brian
77
00:06:00,714 --> 00:06:02,105
The man they called Brian
78
00:06:08,358 --> 00:06:12,075
This man called
79
00:06:12,075 --> 00:06:12,881
Bri
80
00:07:01,433 --> 00:07:05,392
How blessed are those who know
that He's a god.
81
00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:09,831
How blessed are the sorrowful.
They shall find consolation.
82
00:07:12,151 --> 00:07:15,710
How blessed are those
of gentle spirit.
83
00:07:15,710 --> 00:07:18,671
They shall have the earth
for their possession.
84
00:07:20,152 --> 00:07:23,949
How blessed are those
who hunger and thirst...
85
00:07:23,949 --> 00:07:26,711
to see right prevail.
86
00:07:26,711 --> 00:07:29,270
They shall be satisfied.
87
00:07:31,070 --> 00:07:34,508
How blessed are those
whose hearts are pure.
88
00:07:34,508 --> 00:07:37,029
They shall see God.
89
00:07:37,029 --> 00:07:40,068
- Speak up!
- Quiet, Mum.
90
00:07:40,068 --> 00:07:44,708
Well, I can't hear a thing.
Let's go to the stoning.
91
00:07:45,708 --> 00:07:47,508
We can go to a stoning anytime.
92
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:50,947
- Oh, come on, Brian.
- Will you be quiet?
93
00:07:50,947 --> 00:07:53,108
Don't pick your nose.
94
00:07:53,108 --> 00:07:55,589
I wasn't picking my nose.
I was scratching.
95
00:07:55,589 --> 00:07:58,188
You was picking it
while you was talking to that lady.
96
00:07:58,188 --> 00:08:00,589
- I wasn't.
- Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
97
00:08:00,589 --> 00:08:03,187
Do you mind?
I can't hear a word he's saying.
98
00:08:03,187 --> 00:08:06,626
Don't you do you mind me!
I was talking to my husband.
99
00:08:06,626 --> 00:08:09,987
Well, go and talk to him somewhere else.
I can't hear a bloody thing.
100
00:08:09,987 --> 00:08:11,948
Don't you swear at my wife.
101
00:08:11,948 --> 00:08:15,107
I was only asking her to shut up so
we can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.
102
00:08:15,107 --> 00:08:18,508
- Don't you call my husband Big Nose.
- Well, he has got a big nose.
103
00:08:18,508 --> 00:08:20,747
Could you be quiet, please?
What was that?
104
00:08:20,747 --> 00:08:23,067
I was too busy
talking to Big Nose.
105
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,827
I think it was...
Blessed are the cheese makers.
106
00:08:25,827 --> 00:08:28,787
What's so special
about the cheese makers?
107
00:08:28,787 --> 00:08:31,385
Well, obviously, it's not meant
to be taken literally.
108
00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:34,106
It refers to any manufacturers
of dairy products.
109
00:08:34,106 --> 00:08:36,905
See, if you hadn't been going on,
we'd have heard that, Big Nose.
110
00:08:36,905 --> 00:08:39,785
Hey! Say that once more,
I'll smash your bloody face in.
111
00:08:39,785 --> 00:08:43,065
Better keep listening. Might be a bit
about, blessed are the Big Noses.
112
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,986
Oh, lay off him.
113
00:08:44,986 --> 00:08:47,025
Oh, you're not so bad
yourself, Conch Face.
114
00:08:47,025 --> 00:08:49,185
Where are you two from,
Nose City?
115
00:08:49,185 --> 00:08:52,065
One more time, mate, I'll
take you to fuckin' cleaners!
116
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:55,344
Language!
And don't pick your nose.
117
00:08:55,344 --> 00:08:57,983
I wasn't gonna pick my nose.
I was gonna thump him!
118
00:08:57,983 --> 00:09:00,824
- Hear that? Blessed are the Greek.
- The Greek?
119
00:09:00,824 --> 00:09:03,302
Well, apparently
he's going to inherit the earth.
120
00:09:03,302 --> 00:09:06,103
- Did anyone catch his name?
- You're not gonna thump anybody.
121
00:09:06,103 --> 00:09:08,862
I'll thump him
if he calls me Big Nose again.
122
00:09:08,862 --> 00:09:11,904
- Oh, shut up, Big Nose.
- Oh, right, I warned you.
123
00:09:11,904 --> 00:09:15,583
- I really will slug you so hard
- Oh, it's the meek!
124
00:09:15,583 --> 00:09:18,382
Blessed are the meek!
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
125
00:09:18,382 --> 00:09:21,303
I'm glad they're getting something,
'cause they have a hell of a time.
126
00:09:21,303 --> 00:09:24,901
Listen, I'm only telling the truth.
You have got a very big nose.
127
00:09:24,901 --> 00:09:29,542
Hey, your nose gonna be three foot wide
across your face when I'm finished!
128
00:09:29,542 --> 00:09:32,542
Who hit yours then?
Goliath's big brother?
129
00:09:32,542 --> 00:09:34,782
Oh, right.
That's your last warning.
130
00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:37,061
Oh, do pipe down.
131
00:09:37,861 --> 00:09:40,822
Silly bitch.
Get in the way on me.
132
00:09:44,063 --> 00:09:47,062
Oh, come on.
Let's go to the stoning.
133
00:09:47,062 --> 00:09:49,180
All right.
134
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:55,260
Blessed is just about anyone with
a vested interest in the status quo.
135
00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:59,860
Well, what Jesus fails to appreciate
is it's the meek who are the problem.
136
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:03,821
Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg.
Yes, I see.
137
00:10:03,821 --> 00:10:08,099
Oh, come on, Brian. They're gonna
stone him before we get there.
138
00:10:08,099 --> 00:10:10,899
All right.
139
00:10:10,899 --> 00:10:13,941
That's disgusting.
140
00:10:13,941 --> 00:10:18,578
It's the chap with a big nose's fault.
He started it all.
141
00:10:18,578 --> 00:10:21,098
Oh, I hate wearing these beards.
142
00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:23,979
Why aren't women allowed
to go to stonings, Mum?
143
00:10:23,979 --> 00:10:26,097
It's written, that's why.
144
00:10:26,097 --> 00:10:27,820
Beard, madame?
145
00:10:27,820 --> 00:10:30,418
Oh, look, I haven't got time
to go to no stonings.
146
00:10:30,418 --> 00:10:32,340
He's not well again.
147
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,458
Stone, sir?
148
00:10:34,458 --> 00:10:36,978
No, they got them up there,
lying around on the ground.
149
00:10:36,978 --> 00:10:39,338
Oh, not like these, sir.
Look at this.
150
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:41,976
Feel the quality of that.
That's craftsmanship, sir.
151
00:10:41,976 --> 00:10:45,657
Well, all right. We'll have two
with points and a big, flat one.
152
00:10:45,657 --> 00:10:47,178
Can I have a flat one, Mum?
153
00:10:47,778 --> 00:10:49,697
- Sorry. Dad.
- All right.
154
00:10:49,697 --> 00:10:52,576
Two points, two flats
and a packet of gravel.
155
00:10:52,576 --> 00:10:54,937
Packet of gravel. Should be
a good one this afternoon.
156
00:10:54,937 --> 00:10:56,577
- Who?
- Local boy.
157
00:10:56,577 --> 00:10:58,298
- Oh, good.
- Enjoy yourselves.
158
00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:19,014
Matthias, son
of Deuteronomy of Gath?
159
00:11:19,014 --> 00:11:21,295
- Do I say yes? Yes.
- Yes.
160
00:11:21,295 --> 00:11:24,855
You have been found guilty
by the elders of the town...
161
00:11:24,855 --> 00:11:27,894
of uttering
the name of our Lord.
162
00:11:27,894 --> 00:11:31,614
And so as a blasphemer...
163
00:11:31,614 --> 00:11:34,293
you are to be stoned to death.
164
00:11:34,293 --> 00:11:37,575
Look, I'd had a lovely supper,
165
00:11:37,575 --> 00:11:39,693
and all I said to my wife was,
166
00:11:39,693 --> 00:11:42,375
that piece of halibut
was good enough for Jehovah.
167
00:11:42,375 --> 00:11:45,493
Blasphemy! He said it again!
168
00:11:45,493 --> 00:11:48,052
Did you hear him?
169
00:11:50,255 --> 00:11:52,094
Really!
170
00:11:54,893 --> 00:11:57,013
Are there any women
here today?
171
00:12:02,773 --> 00:12:07,610
Very well. By virtue
of the authority vested in me
172
00:12:07,999 --> 00:12:10,612
Lay off!
We haven't started yet!
173
00:12:10,612 --> 00:12:13,652
Come on!
Who threw that?
174
00:12:13,652 --> 00:12:16,212
Who threw that stone?
Come on.
175
00:12:16,212 --> 00:12:18,291
She did! She did!
176
00:12:18,291 --> 00:12:20,370
He did! He did!
177
00:12:20,370 --> 00:12:22,611
Sorry. I thought
we'd started.
178
00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:25,812
Go to the back.
179
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:29,450
Always one, isn't there?
Now, where were we?
180
00:12:29,450 --> 00:12:33,049
Look, I don't think it ought to be
blasphemy, just saying Jehovah.
181
00:12:33,049 --> 00:12:37,091
You're only making it
worse for yourself.
182
00:12:37,091 --> 00:12:40,051
Making it worse?
How could it be worse?
183
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,649
Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
184
00:12:42,649 --> 00:12:46,449
I'm warning you, if you say
Jehovah once more
185
00:12:46,449 --> 00:12:48,530
Right.
Who threw that?
186
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,089
Come on.
Who threw that?
187
00:12:54,130 --> 00:12:56,208
Him, him, him.
188
00:12:56,208 --> 00:12:58,127
- Was it you?
- Yes.
189
00:12:58,127 --> 00:13:00,049
- Right
- Well, you did say Jehovah.
190
00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:06,928
Stop! Will you stop that?
191
00:13:06,928 --> 00:13:11,725
Stop it! Now, look!
No one is to stone anyone...
192
00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:13,928
until I blow this whistle.
193
00:13:13,928 --> 00:13:18,327
Do you understand? Even, and I want
to make this absolutely clear,
194
00:13:18,327 --> 00:13:20,687
even if they do say Jehovah.
195
00:13:27,128 --> 00:13:29,926
Good shot! Bravo!
196
00:13:39,568 --> 00:13:43,326
- Have I got a big nose, Mum?
- Oh, stop thinking about sex.
197
00:13:43,326 --> 00:13:46,804
- I wasn't!
- You're always on about it, morning, noon and night.
198
00:13:46,804 --> 00:13:49,605
Will the girls like this?
Will the girls like that?
199
00:13:49,605 --> 00:13:52,245
Is it too big?
Is it too small?
200
00:13:52,245 --> 00:13:54,444
Here you are, mate.
201
00:13:54,444 --> 00:13:56,605
- Bless you, sir.
- Alms for the poor.
202
00:13:56,605 --> 00:13:59,924
- Alms for a leper.
- Alms for an ex-leper.
203
00:13:59,924 --> 00:14:02,845
Bloody donkey owners.
All the same, ain't they?
204
00:14:02,845 --> 00:14:05,324
Never have any change.
Oh, here's a touch.
205
00:14:05,324 --> 00:14:08,723
- Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
- Buzz off!
206
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:11,043
Spare a talent
for an old ex-leper?
207
00:14:11,043 --> 00:14:13,723
A talent?
That's more than he earns in a month!
208
00:14:13,723 --> 00:14:15,803
- Half a talent then.
- Now, go away!
209
00:14:15,803 --> 00:14:18,163
- Come on, Big Nose, let's haggle.
- What?
210
00:14:18,163 --> 00:14:21,602
You open at one shekel.
I start at 2,000. We close about 1,800.
211
00:14:21,602 --> 00:14:23,523
- No.
- 1,750?
212
00:14:23,523 --> 00:14:25,483
- Go away!
- 1,740?
213
00:14:25,483 --> 00:14:28,323
- Leave him alone!
- All right, two shekels. Isn't this fun, eh?
214
00:14:28,323 --> 00:14:31,682
Look, he's not giving you
any money, so piss off!
215
00:14:35,723 --> 00:14:40,200
- All right. Half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
- Did you say ex-leper?
216
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,882
Sixteen years behind the bell,
and proud of it, sir.
217
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,482
- Well, what happened?
- I were cured, sir.
218
00:14:45,482 --> 00:14:47,762
- Cured?
- Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.
219
00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:50,481
- Well, who cured you?
- Jesus did, sir.
220
00:14:50,481 --> 00:14:52,959
I was hopping along,
minding my own business.
221
00:14:52,959 --> 00:14:55,321
All of a sudden,
up he comes, cures me!
222
00:14:55,321 --> 00:14:57,281
One minute,
I'm a leper with a trade,
223
00:14:57,281 --> 00:14:59,321
next minute,
my livelihood's gone.
224
00:14:59,321 --> 00:15:01,960
You're cured, mate.
Bloody dogooder.
225
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,478
Well, why don't you go and tell him
that you want to be a leper again?
226
00:15:05,478 --> 00:15:08,120
I could do that, sir.
Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.
227
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:11,760
I was gonna ask him if he'd make me a bit
lame in one leg during the middle of the week.
228
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:15,278
You know, something beggable but not
leprosy, which is a pain in the ass.
229
00:15:15,278 --> 00:15:17,958
Brian! Come and clean
your room out!
230
00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:20,998
- There you are.
- Thank you, sir. Thank...
231
00:15:20,998 --> 00:15:23,799
Half a denary?
Me bloody life story.
232
00:15:23,799 --> 00:15:25,920
There's no pleasing
some people.
233
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:28,920
That's just
what Jesus said, sir.
234
00:15:40,321 --> 00:15:42,159
Good afternoon.
235
00:15:42,159 --> 00:15:45,119
Oh, hello, officer.
236
00:15:45,119 --> 00:15:48,357
I'll be with you in a few
moments, all right, dear?
237
00:15:48,357 --> 00:15:51,996
- What's he doing here?
- Don't start that, Brian. Go and clean your room out.
238
00:15:51,996 --> 00:15:54,476
- Bloody Romans!
- Now look, Brian,
239
00:15:54,476 --> 00:15:56,994
if it wasn't for him,
we wouldn't have all this.
240
00:15:56,994 --> 00:16:00,357
- And don't you forget it.
- We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.
241
00:16:00,357 --> 00:16:03,876
- Well, that's not entirely true.
- What do you mean?
242
00:16:03,876 --> 00:16:07,875
- Well, you know you were asking me about your...
- My nose?
243
00:16:07,875 --> 00:16:10,996
Yes. Well, there's a reason
it's like it is, Brian.
244
00:16:10,996 --> 00:16:12,916
What is it?
245
00:16:12,916 --> 00:16:15,755
Well, I suppose I should've
told you a long time ago.
246
00:16:15,755 --> 00:16:18,956
- What?
- Well, Brian...
247
00:16:18,956 --> 00:16:22,035
your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
248
00:16:22,035 --> 00:16:24,875
- Well, I never thought he was.
- None of your cheek!
249
00:16:24,875 --> 00:16:27,235
He was a Roman, Brian.
250
00:16:27,235 --> 00:16:30,236
He was a centurion
in the Roman army.
251
00:16:30,236 --> 00:16:34,234
- You mean you were raped?
- Well, at first, yes.
252
00:16:34,234 --> 00:16:38,114
- Who was it?
- Naughtius Maximus, his name was.
253
00:16:38,114 --> 00:16:40,635
Promised me
the known world, he did.
254
00:16:40,635 --> 00:16:43,474
I was to be taken to Rome,
housed by the Forum,
255
00:16:43,474 --> 00:16:45,634
slaves, asses' milk,
256
00:16:45,634 --> 00:16:47,912
as much gold as I could eat.
257
00:16:47,912 --> 00:16:50,393
Then he, having his way
with me, he had...
258
00:16:50,393 --> 00:16:53,513
- Vroom, like a rat out of an aqueduct!
- The bastard!
259
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:56,673
Yeah, so next time you go on
about the bloody Romans,
260
00:16:56,673 --> 00:16:58,592
don't forget
you're one of 'em!
261
00:16:58,592 --> 00:17:01,673
I'm not a Roman, Mum!
And I never will be!
262
00:17:01,673 --> 00:17:04,554
I'm a kike, a Yid,
a hebe, a hooknose!
263
00:17:04,554 --> 00:17:09,271
I'm kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea
pedestrian, and proud of it!
264
00:17:13,193 --> 00:17:16,151
Sex, sex, sex. That's all
they think about, huh?
265
00:17:16,151 --> 00:17:19,351
Well, how are you
then, officer?
266
00:17:35,752 --> 00:17:39,550
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next contest...
267
00:17:39,550 --> 00:17:41,471
is between...
268
00:17:41,471 --> 00:17:46,030
Frank Goliath,
the Macedonian babycrusher,
269
00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:49,629
and Boris Mineburg.
270
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:55,029
Larks' tongues.
Wren's livers.
271
00:17:55,029 --> 00:17:59,267
Chaffinch brains.
Jaguars' earlobes.
272
00:17:59,267 --> 00:18:02,069
Wolf's nipple chips. Get 'em
while they're hot. They're lovely.
273
00:18:02,069 --> 00:18:05,589
Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar.
Tuscany fried bats.
274
00:18:05,589 --> 00:18:09,386
I do feel, Reg, that any
anti imperialist group like ours...
275
00:18:09,386 --> 00:18:13,267
must reflect such a divergence
of interest within its power base.
276
00:18:13,267 --> 00:18:16,907
- Oh, great. Francis?
- Yeah, I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg,
277
00:18:16,907 --> 00:18:18,868
provided the movement
never forgets...
278
00:18:18,868 --> 00:18:21,228
- that it is the inalienable right of every man
- or woman.
279
00:18:21,228 --> 00:18:22,827
or woman,
to rid himself
280
00:18:22,827 --> 00:18:24,588
- or herself.
- or herself.
281
00:18:24,588 --> 00:18:26,348
- Agreed.
- Thank you, brother.
282
00:18:26,348 --> 00:18:28,267
- or sister.
- or sister...
283
00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:30,187
Where was I?
284
00:18:30,187 --> 00:18:33,066
- I think you finished.
- Oh, right.
285
00:18:33,066 --> 00:18:35,867
Furthermore, it is
the birthright of every man...
286
00:18:35,867 --> 00:18:38,827
- Or woman.
- Why don't you shut up about women?
287
00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:41,946
Women have a perfect right
to play a part in our movement.
288
00:18:41,946 --> 00:18:44,185
Why are you always on
about women, Stan?
289
00:18:44,185 --> 00:18:45,787
I want to be one.
290
00:18:47,828 --> 00:18:50,826
- What?
- I want to be a woman.
291
00:18:50,826 --> 00:18:54,705
From now on, I want you all
to call me Loretta.
292
00:18:56,065 --> 00:18:58,826
- What?
- It's my right as a man.
293
00:18:58,826 --> 00:19:02,424
Well, why do you want
to be Loretta, Stan?
294
00:19:02,424 --> 00:19:04,984
I want to have babies.
295
00:19:04,984 --> 00:19:07,545
You want to have babies?
296
00:19:07,545 --> 00:19:10,184
It's every man's right
to have babies if he wants them.
297
00:19:10,184 --> 00:19:12,945
- But you can't have babies.
- Don't you oppress me.
298
00:19:12,945 --> 00:19:16,304
I'm not oppressing you.
You haven't got a womb.
299
00:19:16,304 --> 00:19:18,344
Where is the fetus
gonna gestate?
300
00:19:18,344 --> 00:19:20,744
You're gonna keep it
in a box?
301
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,542
Here, I've got an idea.
302
00:19:25,542 --> 00:19:28,183
Suppose you agree that
he can't actually have babies,
303
00:19:28,183 --> 00:19:31,383
not having a womb which is
nobody's fault, not even the Romans'
304
00:19:31,383 --> 00:19:34,262
but that he can have
the right to have babies?
305
00:19:34,262 --> 00:19:36,981
Good idea, Judith.
We shall fight the oppressors...
306
00:19:36,981 --> 00:19:39,103
for your right to have
babies, brother.
307
00:19:39,103 --> 00:19:41,822
- Sister. Sorry.
- What's the point?
308
00:19:41,822 --> 00:19:44,981
- What?
- What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies...
309
00:19:44,981 --> 00:19:48,260
when he can't have babies?
310
00:19:48,260 --> 00:19:51,701
It is symbolic of our
struggle against oppression.
311
00:19:53,582 --> 00:19:56,141
Symbolic of his struggle
against reality.
312
00:20:04,301 --> 00:20:07,061
It's dangerous out there.
313
00:20:27,099 --> 00:20:31,058
Larks' tongues. Otters' noses.
Ocelot spleens.
314
00:20:31,058 --> 00:20:33,259
- Got any nuts?
- Haven't got any nuts. Sorry.
315
00:20:33,259 --> 00:20:36,579
- I've got wrens' livers, badger spleens...
- No, no, no.
316
00:20:36,579 --> 00:20:39,098
- Otters' noses?
- I don't want that Roman rubbish!
317
00:20:39,098 --> 00:20:42,259
- Why don't you sell proper food?
- Proper food?
318
00:20:42,259 --> 00:20:44,938
Yeah, and not those rich,
imperialist tidbits.
319
00:20:44,938 --> 00:20:48,017
Well, don't blame me.
I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
320
00:20:48,017 --> 00:20:50,096
All right.
Bag of otters' noses then.
321
00:20:50,096 --> 00:20:52,817
- Make it two. Thanks, Reg.
- Two.
322
00:20:52,817 --> 00:20:55,537
- Are you the Judean People's Front?
- Fuck off!
323
00:20:55,537 --> 00:20:58,538
- What?
- Judean People's Front!
324
00:20:58,538 --> 00:21:01,734
We're the People's Front of Judea!
325
00:21:01,734 --> 00:21:05,416
- Judean People's Front!
- Wankers.
326
00:21:07,776 --> 00:21:10,615
- Can I join your group?
- No. Piss off.
327
00:21:10,615 --> 00:21:13,377
I didn't want to sell
this stuff. It's only a job.
328
00:21:13,377 --> 00:21:15,935
I hate the Romans as much
as anybody!
329
00:21:16,935 --> 00:21:21,255
- Are you sure?
- Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans.
330
00:21:21,255 --> 00:21:24,615
Listen, if you wanted
to join the PFJ,
331
00:21:24,615 --> 00:21:27,534
you'd have to really
hate the Romans.
332
00:21:27,534 --> 00:21:30,456
- I do.
- Oh, yeah? How much?
333
00:21:31,456 --> 00:21:32,146
A lot.
334
00:21:34,656 --> 00:21:36,654
Right. You're in.
335
00:21:36,654 --> 00:21:39,575
Listen. The only people
we hate more than the Romans...
336
00:21:39,575 --> 00:21:41,854
are the fuckin'
Judean People's Front.
337
00:21:41,854 --> 00:21:43,456
- Yeah!
- Splitters!
338
00:21:43,456 --> 00:21:46,335
- And the Judean Popular People's Front.
- Oh, yeah! Splitters!
339
00:21:46,335 --> 00:21:48,973
- And the People's Front of Judea.
- Splitters!
340
00:21:48,973 --> 00:21:51,414
- What?
- The People's Front of Judea.
341
00:21:51,414 --> 00:21:53,934
We're the People's Front of Judea!
342
00:21:53,934 --> 00:21:56,894
Oh, I thought we were
the Popular Front.
343
00:21:56,894 --> 00:21:59,213
People's Front!
344
00:21:59,213 --> 00:22:03,212
- What happened to the Popular Front?
- He's over there.
345
00:22:05,653 --> 00:22:06,689
Splitter!
346
00:22:13,614 --> 00:22:17,853
Oh, I think I'm about
to have a cardiac arrest.
347
00:22:19,853 --> 00:22:22,511
Absolutely dreadful.
348
00:22:33,133 --> 00:22:37,371
Brother! Haha!
What's your name?
349
00:22:37,371 --> 00:22:39,889
Brian. Brian Cohen.
350
00:22:39,889 --> 00:22:43,130
We may have a little job
for you, Brian.
351
00:23:36,210 --> 00:23:40,047
What's this then?
Romanes eunt domus?
352
00:23:40,047 --> 00:23:43,086
People called Romanes,
they go the house?
353
00:23:43,086 --> 00:23:45,246
It says Romans, go home.
354
00:23:45,246 --> 00:23:49,245
No, it doesn't.
What's Latin for Roman?
355
00:23:49,245 --> 00:23:51,326
- Come on!
- Romanes?
356
00:23:51,326 --> 00:23:53,285
- Goes like?
- Annus?
357
00:23:53,285 --> 00:23:55,527
- Vocative plural of annus is?
- Anni?
358
00:23:55,527 --> 00:23:58,245
Romani.
359
00:23:58,245 --> 00:24:00,806
- Eunt? What is eunt?
- Go.
360
00:24:00,806 --> 00:24:02,885
Conjugate the verb to go.
361
00:24:02,885 --> 00:24:06,205
Ire, eo, is, it,
imus, itis, eunt.
362
00:24:06,205 --> 00:24:08,205
So eunt is?
363
00:24:08,205 --> 00:24:10,844
Third person plural,
present indicative. They go.
364
00:24:10,844 --> 00:24:15,403
But Romans, go home is
an order, so you must use the...
365
00:24:15,403 --> 00:24:17,564
- The imperative.
- Which is?
366
00:24:18,964 --> 00:24:19,643
Oh, i.
367
00:24:19,643 --> 00:24:22,123
- How many Romans?
- Plural, plural.
368
00:24:22,123 --> 00:24:24,964
- Ite.
- Ite.
369
00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:28,084
Domus? Nominative?
370
00:24:28,084 --> 00:24:32,122
Go home. This is motion
towards, isn't it, Brian?
371
00:24:32,122 --> 00:24:34,044
Dative!
372
00:24:34,044 --> 00:24:36,084
No, not dative!
373
00:24:36,084 --> 00:24:38,483
Accusative, accusative!
374
00:24:38,483 --> 00:24:41,841
- Domum, sir. Ad domum.
- Except when domus takes the...
375
00:24:41,841 --> 00:24:43,802
- Locative, sir.
- Which is?
376
00:24:43,802 --> 00:24:45,961
- Domum.
- Domum.
377
00:24:45,961 --> 00:24:47,160
Um.
378
00:24:48,203 --> 00:24:50,041
- Understand?
- Yes, sir.
379
00:24:50,041 --> 00:24:51,361
Now, write it out 100 times.
380
00:24:51,361 --> 00:24:52,842
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hail Caesar, sir.
381
00:24:52,842 --> 00:24:55,681
Hail Caesar. If it's not done
by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
382
00:24:55,681 --> 00:24:59,041
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.
Hail Caesar and everything, sir.
383
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:19,636
Finished!
384
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:26,879
Right. Now,
don't do it again.
385
00:25:49,799 --> 00:25:51,878
Hey, bloody Romans!
386
00:26:24,557 --> 00:26:27,396
We're gettin' in through the
underground heating system here,
387
00:26:27,396 --> 00:26:30,196
up through into the main
audience chamber here,
388
00:26:30,196 --> 00:26:33,315
and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.
389
00:26:33,315 --> 00:26:36,633
Having grabbed his wife, we inform
Pilate that she is in our custody...
390
00:26:36,633 --> 00:26:38,915
and forthwith issue our demands.
391
00:26:38,915 --> 00:26:41,834
- Any questions?
- What exactly are the demands?
392
00:26:41,834 --> 00:26:43,914
We're giving Pilate
two days to dismantle...
393
00:26:43,914 --> 00:26:46,394
the entire apparatus of
the Roman Imperialist State,
394
00:26:46,394 --> 00:26:48,675
and if he doesn't agree
immediately, we execute her.
395
00:26:48,675 --> 00:26:51,593
- Cut her head off?
- Cut all her bits off.
396
00:26:51,593 --> 00:26:54,514
Send them back
on the hour, every hour.
397
00:26:54,514 --> 00:26:57,192
And, of course, we point out
that they bear...
398
00:26:57,192 --> 00:26:59,633
full responsibility
when we chop her up...
399
00:26:59,633 --> 00:27:02,714
and that we shall not submit
to blackmail.
400
00:27:02,714 --> 00:27:04,953
No blackmail!
401
00:27:04,953 --> 00:27:08,550
They bled us white, the bastards.
They've taken everything we had.
402
00:27:08,550 --> 00:27:12,193
And not just from us. From our fathers
and from our fathers' fathers.
403
00:27:12,193 --> 00:27:14,512
- And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
- Yeah.
404
00:27:14,512 --> 00:27:18,072
- And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
- Don't labor the point.
405
00:27:18,072 --> 00:27:21,553
And what have they ever
given us in return?
406
00:27:23,593 --> 00:27:26,030
- The aqueduct.
- What?
407
00:27:26,030 --> 00:27:28,111
The aqueduct.
408
00:27:28,111 --> 00:27:30,231
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They did give us that.
409
00:27:30,231 --> 00:27:32,632
And the sanitation.
410
00:27:32,632 --> 00:27:36,071
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg.
Remember what the city used to be like.
411
00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:39,750
Yeah, I'll grant you, the aqueduct and
sanitation are two things the Romans have done.
412
00:27:39,750 --> 00:27:42,632
- And the roads.
- Well, obviously the roads.
413
00:27:42,632 --> 00:27:45,110
I mean, the roads go
without saying, don't they?
414
00:27:45,110 --> 00:27:48,030
But apart from the sanitation,
the aqueduct and the roads...
415
00:27:48,030 --> 00:27:49,872
- Irrigation.
- Medicine.
416
00:27:49,872 --> 00:27:52,309
- Education.
- Yeah, all right. Fair enough.
417
00:27:52,309 --> 00:27:54,308
And the wine.
418
00:27:55,308 --> 00:27:58,470
Yeah, that's something we'd really miss,
Reg, if the Romans left.
419
00:27:58,470 --> 00:28:02,189
- Public baths.
- And it's safe to walk in the streets at night.
420
00:28:02,189 --> 00:28:05,908
Yeah, they certainly keep order. They're the
only ones who could in a place like this.
421
00:28:08,149 --> 00:28:10,787
All right, but apart from
the sanitation, the medicine,
422
00:28:10,787 --> 00:28:13,909
education, wine, public order,
irrigation, roads,
423
00:28:13,909 --> 00:28:16,429
the fresh water system
and public health,
424
00:28:16,429 --> 00:28:19,667
what have the Romans
ever done for us?
425
00:28:19,667 --> 00:28:23,508
- Brought peace.
- Oh, peace! Shut up!
426
00:28:34,307 --> 00:28:36,746
I'm a poor man.
My sight is poor.
427
00:28:36,746 --> 00:28:38,986
My legs are old and bent.
428
00:28:38,986 --> 00:28:40,986
It's all right, Matthias.
429
00:28:40,986 --> 00:28:43,028
It's all clear.
430
00:28:50,268 --> 00:28:52,867
Well, where's Reg?
431
00:28:52,867 --> 00:28:56,026
Oh, Reg. Reg, Judith.
432
00:28:56,026 --> 00:28:59,946
- What went wrong?
- The first blow has been struck.
433
00:28:59,946 --> 00:29:03,065
- Did he finish the slogan?
- A hundred times,
434
00:29:03,065 --> 00:29:06,984
in letters ten foot high,
all the way around the palace.
435
00:29:06,984 --> 00:29:09,665
Oh, great. Great.
436
00:29:09,665 --> 00:29:12,503
We need doers
in our movement, Brian,
437
00:29:12,503 --> 00:29:14,946
but before you join us,
know this...
438
00:29:14,946 --> 00:29:17,505
There is not one of us who
would not gladly suffer death
439
00:29:17,505 --> 00:29:19,903
to rid this country of
the Romans once and for all.
440
00:29:19,903 --> 00:29:23,104
- Well one.
- Oh, yeah, there's one.
441
00:29:23,104 --> 00:29:25,425
But otherwise, we're solid.
Are you with us?
442
00:29:25,425 --> 00:29:26,384
Yes.
443
00:29:28,145 --> 00:29:32,704
From now on you shall be called
Brian that is called Brian.
444
00:29:32,704 --> 00:29:35,624
Tell him about the raid
on Pilate's palace, Francis.
445
00:29:35,624 --> 00:29:38,542
Right.
This is the plan.
446
00:29:38,542 --> 00:29:41,103
Now, this is the palace
on Caesar's Square.
447
00:29:41,103 --> 00:29:43,863
Our commando unit will approach
from Fish Street under cover of night...
448
00:29:43,863 --> 00:29:47,343
and make our way
to the northwestern main drain.
449
00:29:47,343 --> 00:29:51,261
If questioned, we are sewage workers
on our way to a conference.
450
00:29:51,261 --> 00:29:54,741
Reg, our glorious leader
and founder of the PFJ,
451
00:29:54,741 --> 00:29:58,182
will be coordinating consultant
at the drain head,
452
00:29:58,182 --> 00:30:01,343
though he himself will not be taking
part in any terrorist action...
453
00:30:01,343 --> 00:30:03,262
as he has a bad back.
454
00:30:03,262 --> 00:30:05,419
- Aren't you going to come with us?
- Solidarity, brother.
455
00:30:05,419 --> 00:30:08,141
Oh, yes, solidarity, Reg.
456
00:30:08,141 --> 00:30:11,222
Once in the sewer,
timing will be of the essence.
457
00:30:11,222 --> 00:30:14,340
There is a Roman feast later
in the evening, so you must move fast.
458
00:30:14,340 --> 00:30:17,262
And don't wear
your best sandals.
459
00:30:17,262 --> 00:30:20,899
Turning left here, we enter the
Caesar Augustus memorial sewer,
460
00:30:20,899 --> 00:30:23,581
and from there proceed
directly to the hypocaust.
461
00:30:23,581 --> 00:30:28,298
This has just been retiled. So,
terrorists, careful with those weapons.
462
00:30:28,298 --> 00:30:31,939
We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chamber itself.
463
00:30:31,939 --> 00:30:35,139
This is the moment for Habbakuk
to get out his prong.
464
00:31:51,096 --> 00:31:53,615
Campaign for Free Galilee.
465
00:31:53,615 --> 00:31:56,655
Oh, People's Front of Judea.
Officials.
466
00:31:57,455 --> 00:31:59,332
What's your group doing here?
467
00:31:59,332 --> 00:32:02,414
We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife,
take her back, issue demands.
468
00:32:02,414 --> 00:32:05,293
- So are we. That's our plan.
- What?
469
00:32:05,293 --> 00:32:07,773
- We were here first.
- What do you mean?
470
00:32:07,773 --> 00:32:10,052
We thought of it first.
We did!
471
00:32:10,052 --> 00:32:12,573
Yes, a couple of years ago.
We did!
472
00:32:12,573 --> 00:32:14,892
Come on. You got all your demands
worked out then?
473
00:32:14,892 --> 00:32:17,054
- Of course we have.
- What are they?
474
00:32:17,054 --> 00:32:19,493
- Well, I'm not telling you.
- Oh, come on!
475
00:32:19,493 --> 00:32:22,211
That's not the point.
We thought of it before you.
476
00:32:22,211 --> 00:32:24,133
- Did not!
- We did!
477
00:32:24,133 --> 00:32:27,212
You bastards, we've been
planning this for months.
478
00:32:27,212 --> 00:32:30,330
Well, tough pity for you,
Fish Face.
479
00:32:31,330 --> 00:32:34,052
Brothers, we should
be struggling together.
480
00:32:34,052 --> 00:32:37,571
We mustn't fight each other.
481
00:32:37,571 --> 00:32:40,931
Surely, we should be united
against the common enemy.
482
00:32:40,931 --> 00:32:43,373
The Judean People's Front!
483
00:32:43,373 --> 00:32:45,771
No, no, the Romans!
484
00:32:45,771 --> 00:32:48,172
Oh, yeah, yeah.
485
00:32:48,172 --> 00:32:50,728
Yeah, he's right.
486
00:32:56,612 --> 00:32:59,930
- Right. Where were we?
- You were gonna punch me.
487
00:33:21,929 --> 00:33:24,326
Brothers!
488
00:33:52,327 --> 00:33:53,286
What?
489
00:34:23,125 --> 00:34:25,164
You lucky bastard.
490
00:34:25,164 --> 00:34:27,124
Who's that?
491
00:34:27,124 --> 00:34:29,125
You lucky, lucky bastard.
492
00:34:29,125 --> 00:34:32,363
- What?
- Quite the little jailer's pet, are we?
493
00:34:32,363 --> 00:34:35,764
- What do you mean?
- You must've slipped him a few shekels.
494
00:34:35,764 --> 00:34:38,722
Slipped him a few shekels?
You saw him spit in my face.
495
00:34:38,722 --> 00:34:42,843
Oh, what wouldn't I give
to be spat at in the face!
496
00:34:42,843 --> 00:34:47,362
I sometimes hang awake at night
dreaming of being spat at in the face.
497
00:34:47,362 --> 00:34:50,204
Well, it's not exactly friendly.
They have me in manacles.
498
00:34:50,204 --> 00:34:52,603
Manacles?
499
00:34:52,603 --> 00:34:56,242
My idea of heaven is to be
allowed to be put in manacles...
500
00:34:56,242 --> 00:34:58,321
just for a few hours.
501
00:34:58,321 --> 00:35:02,362
They must think the sun shines
out of your ass, son.
502
00:35:02,362 --> 00:35:04,401
Oh, lay off me!
I've had a hard time!
503
00:35:04,401 --> 00:35:07,602
You've had a hard time?
I've been here five years.
504
00:35:07,602 --> 00:35:10,842
They only hung me the right way
up yesterday, so don't you...
505
00:35:10,842 --> 00:35:13,201
All right, all right.
506
00:35:13,201 --> 00:35:16,920
They must think
you're Lord God Almighty.
507
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:20,600
- What will they do to me?
- You'll probably get away with crucifixion.
508
00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:23,642
- Crucifixion?
- Yeah, first offense.
509
00:35:23,642 --> 00:35:25,721
Get away with crucifixion?
It's...
510
00:35:25,721 --> 00:35:28,520
- Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
- What?
511
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:31,842
Oh, yeah, if we didn't have crucifixion,
this country'd be in a bloody mess.
512
00:35:31,842 --> 00:35:34,679
- Guard!
- Nail him up, I say!
513
00:35:34,679 --> 00:35:37,720
- Guard!
- Nail some sense into him!
514
00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:39,719
What do you want?
515
00:35:39,719 --> 00:35:42,880
I want you to move me
to another cell.
516
00:35:42,999 --> 00:35:46,239
Oh, look at that!
Bloody favoritism.
517
00:35:46,239 --> 00:35:49,120
- Shut up, you!
- Sorry.
518
00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:55,159
Now take my case.
They hung me up here five years ago.
519
00:35:55,159 --> 00:35:58,079
Every night, they take me down for
20 minutes, then they hang me up again,
520
00:35:58,079 --> 00:36:01,077
which I regard as very fair
in view of what I've done.
521
00:36:01,077 --> 00:36:05,718
And if nothing else, it's
taught me to respect the Romans,
522
00:36:05,718 --> 00:36:09,556
and it's taught me that you'll
never get anywhere in this life,
523
00:36:09,556 --> 00:36:13,875
unless you're prepared to do
a fair day's work for a fair day's...
524
00:36:13,875 --> 00:36:16,397
Oh, shut up!
525
00:36:16,397 --> 00:36:19,356
- Here.
- Pilate wants to see you.
526
00:36:19,356 --> 00:36:21,316
- Me?
- Come on!
527
00:36:21,316 --> 00:36:23,477
Pilate? What's he want
to see me for?
528
00:36:23,477 --> 00:36:26,398
I think he wants to know which way up
you want to be crucified.
529
00:36:27,398 --> 00:36:29,716
Nice one, centurion. Like it.
530
00:36:29,716 --> 00:36:33,915
- Shut up!
- Right, right.
531
00:36:33,915 --> 00:36:37,715
Terrific race, the Romans.
Terrific!
532
00:36:54,516 --> 00:36:56,354
- Hail Caesar.
- Hail.
533
00:36:56,354 --> 00:36:59,994
- Only one survivor, sir.
- Oh, thwow him to the floor.
534
00:36:59,994 --> 00:37:03,113
- What's that?
- Throw him to the floor.
535
00:37:07,837 --> 00:37:11,033
Now, what is
your name, Jew?
536
00:37:11,033 --> 00:37:13,913
- Brian, sir.
- Bwian, eh?
537
00:37:13,913 --> 00:37:15,794
No, no. Brian.
538
00:37:18,074 --> 00:37:20,872
The little rascal
has spiwit.
539
00:37:20,872 --> 00:37:23,153
- Has what, sir?
- Spiwit.
540
00:37:23,153 --> 00:37:25,232
Yes, he did, sir.
541
00:37:25,232 --> 00:37:29,472
No, no. Spiwit, bwavado,
a touch of dewwingdo.
542
00:37:29,472 --> 00:37:31,952
Oh, about 11, sir.
543
00:37:34,513 --> 00:37:37,872
So, you dare to waid us?
544
00:37:37,872 --> 00:37:39,832
To what, sir?
545
00:37:39,832 --> 00:37:42,232
Stwike him, centurion,
very woughly.
546
00:37:43,532 --> 00:37:45,550
And thwow him to the floor, sir?
547
00:37:45,550 --> 00:37:48,070
- What?
- Thwow him to the floor again, sir?
548
00:37:48,070 --> 00:37:51,031
Oh, yes, thwow him
to the floor, please.
549
00:37:52,531 --> 00:37:55,750
Now, Jewish wapscallion...
550
00:37:55,750 --> 00:37:57,871
I'm not Jewish.
I'm a Roman.
551
00:37:57,871 --> 00:38:00,752
- A woman?
- No, no. Roman.
552
00:38:02,751 --> 00:38:07,507
So, your father was
a woman. Who was he?
553
00:38:07,507 --> 00:38:11,150
He was a centurion
in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
554
00:38:11,150 --> 00:38:14,270
Really?
What was his name?
555
00:38:14,270 --> 00:38:17,508
Naughtius Maximus.
556
00:38:20,192 --> 00:38:23,827
Centurion, do you have
anyone of that name in the garrison?
557
00:38:23,827 --> 00:38:25,949
Well, no, sir.
558
00:38:25,949 --> 00:38:29,067
Well, you sound very sure.
Have you checked?
559
00:38:29,067 --> 00:38:32,789
Well, no, sir.
I think it's a joke, sir.
560
00:38:32,789 --> 00:38:36,828
Like Sillius Soddus
or Biggus Dickus, sir.
561
00:38:38,909 --> 00:38:41,708
What's funny
about Biggus Dickus?
562
00:38:43,028 --> 00:38:45,948
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
563
00:38:45,948 --> 00:38:49,266
I have a very great friend in Rome
called Biggus Dickus.
564
00:38:51,827 --> 00:38:54,826
Silence!
What is all this insolence?
565
00:38:54,826 --> 00:38:58,186
You will find yourself
in gladiator school vewy quickly...
566
00:38:58,186 --> 00:39:00,108
with wotten behavior like that.
567
00:39:00,108 --> 00:39:02,426
Can I go now, sir?
568
00:39:03,426 --> 00:39:05,866
Wait till Biggus Dickus
hears of this.
569
00:39:05,866 --> 00:39:09,106
Wight! Take him away!
570
00:39:09,106 --> 00:39:12,626
- Oh, sir, he...
- I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.
571
00:39:12,626 --> 00:39:15,425
Yes, sir.
Come on, you.
572
00:39:19,507 --> 00:39:23,944
I will not have my friends
widiculed by the common soldiewy.
573
00:39:25,707 --> 00:39:30,104
Anyone else feel like
a little giggle...
574
00:39:30,104 --> 00:39:33,624
when I mention my fwiend,
575
00:39:33,624 --> 00:39:34,660
Biggus...
576
00:39:36,865 --> 00:39:37,671
Dickus?
577
00:39:42,104 --> 00:39:47,143
What about you?
Do you find it wisible...
578
00:39:48,702 --> 00:39:51,743
when I say the name...
579
00:39:51,743 --> 00:39:52,558
Biggus...
580
00:39:54,943 --> 00:39:55,958
Dickus?
581
00:40:15,142 --> 00:40:18,701
He has a wife, you know?
582
00:40:18,701 --> 00:40:21,340
You know what she's called?
583
00:40:23,742 --> 00:40:26,940
She's called Incontinentia.
584
00:40:29,542 --> 00:40:31,700
Incontinentia Buttocks.
585
00:40:31,700 --> 00:40:33,979
Shut up!
What is all this?
586
00:40:33,979 --> 00:40:37,180
I've had enough of this
wowdy, webel behavior!
587
00:40:37,180 --> 00:40:40,858
Silence! Quiet!
Pwaetowian guards!
588
00:40:40,858 --> 00:40:44,578
Seize him! Seize him!
Blow your noses and seize him!
589
00:42:37,532 --> 00:42:40,291
Oh, you lucky bastard.
590
00:42:55,053 --> 00:42:58,332
And the bezan
shall be huge and black...
591
00:42:58,332 --> 00:43:02,769
and the eyes thereof red with
the blood of living creatures!
592
00:43:02,769 --> 00:43:05,571
And the whore of Babylon...
593
00:43:05,571 --> 00:43:08,730
shall ride forth
on a three-headed serpent!
594
00:43:08,730 --> 00:43:13,529
And throughout the lands
there'll be a great rubbing of parts.
595
00:43:13,529 --> 00:43:17,848
The demon shall bear
a nine-bladed sword.
596
00:43:17,848 --> 00:43:22,248
Nine-bladed not two
or five or seven, but nine
597
00:43:22,248 --> 00:43:26,848
which he will wield on all wretched
sinners, just like you, sir, there.
598
00:43:26,848 --> 00:43:30,929
And the whoring shall be
on the head of Addius.
599
00:43:30,929 --> 00:43:36,207
There shall in that time
be rumors of things going astray,
600
00:43:36,207 --> 00:43:40,569
and there shall be a great confusion
as to where things really are.
601
00:43:40,569 --> 00:43:43,526
And nobody will really know
where lieth...
602
00:43:43,526 --> 00:43:46,048
those little things...
603
00:43:46,048 --> 00:43:49,209
with the sort of raffia work
base that has an attachment.
604
00:43:49,209 --> 00:43:53,845
At this time, a friend
shall lose his friend's hammer,
605
00:43:53,845 --> 00:43:57,567
and the young shall not know
where lieth...
606
00:43:57,567 --> 00:43:59,806
the things possessed
by their fathers...
607
00:43:59,806 --> 00:44:03,405
that their fathers put there
only just the night before about 8:00.
608
00:44:03,405 --> 00:44:07,126
Yea, it is written
in the Book of Cyril,
609
00:44:07,126 --> 00:44:09,526
that in that time...
610
00:44:18,207 --> 00:44:21,085
How much, quick?
It's for the wife.
611
00:44:21,085 --> 00:44:24,044
- Oh, 20 shekels.
- Right.
612
00:44:24,044 --> 00:44:26,086
- What?
- There you are.
613
00:44:26,086 --> 00:44:28,004
- Wait a minute.
- What?
614
00:44:28,004 --> 00:44:30,366
- We're supposed to haggle.
- No, no, no. I've got to get...
615
00:44:30,366 --> 00:44:32,285
- What do you mean, no?
- I haven't got time.
616
00:44:32,285 --> 00:44:34,723
- Well, give it back then.
- No, no. I just paid you.
617
00:44:34,723 --> 00:44:38,045
- Burt, this bloke won't haggle.
- Won't haggle?
618
00:44:38,045 --> 00:44:40,123
All right.
Do we have to?
619
00:44:40,123 --> 00:44:42,763
- I want 20 for that.
- I just gave you 20.
620
00:44:42,763 --> 00:44:45,442
- Are you telling me that's not worth 20 shekels?
- No.
621
00:44:45,442 --> 00:44:48,804
- Feel the quality. That's none of your goat.
- I'll give you 19 then.
622
00:44:48,804 --> 00:44:50,805
- No, no, no. Do it properly.
- What?
623
00:44:50,805 --> 00:44:54,122
- Haggle properly. This isn't worth 19.
- You just said it was worth 20.
624
00:44:54,122 --> 00:44:56,845
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Come on, haggle.
625
00:44:56,845 --> 00:44:59,284
- All right, I'll give you ten.
- That's more like it.
626
00:44:59,284 --> 00:45:01,404
Ten? Are you trying to insult me?
627
00:45:01,404 --> 00:45:04,162
Me with a poor, dying
grandmother? Ten?
628
00:45:04,162 --> 00:45:06,962
- All right, I'll give you 11.
- Now you're gettin' it. Eleven?
629
00:45:06,962 --> 00:45:11,241
Did I hear you right? Eleven?
This cost me 12. You want to ruin me?
630
00:45:11,241 --> 00:45:13,882
- Seventeen?
- No, no, no, no. Seventeen.
631
00:45:13,882 --> 00:45:16,361
- Eighteen.
- No, no. You go to 14 now.
632
00:45:16,361 --> 00:45:19,163
- All right, I'll give you 14.
- Fourteen? Are you joking?
633
00:45:19,163 --> 00:45:21,441
- That's what you told me to say!
- Oh, dear.
634
00:45:21,441 --> 00:45:23,722
Oh, tell me
what to say, please!
635
00:45:23,722 --> 00:45:25,681
- Offer me 14.
- I'll give you 14.
636
00:45:25,681 --> 00:45:28,681
- He's offering me 14 for this!
- Fifteen!
637
00:45:28,681 --> 00:45:31,960
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take
a penny less, or strike me dead.
638
00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:33,802
- Sixteen.
- Done.
639
00:45:33,802 --> 00:45:35,841
Nice to do business with you.
640
00:45:35,841 --> 00:45:38,762
- I'll throw you in this as well.
- I don't want it, but thanks.
641
00:45:38,762 --> 00:45:41,000
- Burt.
- All right, all right.
642
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:43,681
- Now, where's the 16 you owe me?
- I just gave you 20.
643
00:45:43,681 --> 00:45:46,399
- Right. That's four I owe you then.
- That's right. That's fine.
644
00:45:46,399 --> 00:45:48,761
- I've got it here somewhere.
- That's four for the gourd.
645
00:45:48,761 --> 00:45:51,359
Four? For this gourd?
646
00:45:51,359 --> 00:45:54,159
Look at it! It's worth ten
if it's worth a shekel.
647
00:45:54,159 --> 00:45:57,359
- You gave it to me for nothing.
- Yes, but it's worth ten.
648
00:45:57,359 --> 00:45:59,161
All right, all right.
649
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:03,877
No, no, no, no.
It's not worth ten.
650
00:46:03,877 --> 00:46:07,438
You're supposed to argue.
Ten for that? You must be mad.
651
00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:13,318
Oh, well.
One born every minute.
652
00:46:13,318 --> 00:46:15,277
- Daniel.
- Daniel.
653
00:46:15,277 --> 00:46:17,437
- Job.
- Job.
654
00:46:17,437 --> 00:46:19,516
- Joshua.
- Joshua.
655
00:46:19,516 --> 00:46:21,798
- Judges.
- Judges.
656
00:46:21,798 --> 00:46:24,436
- And Brian.
- And Brian.
657
00:46:24,436 --> 00:46:28,678
I now propose that all seven
of these ex-brothers
658
00:46:28,678 --> 00:46:32,077
be now entered in the minutes
as probationary martyrs to the cause.
659
00:46:32,077 --> 00:46:35,476
- I second that, Reg.
- Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.
660
00:46:35,476 --> 00:46:39,557
Siblings, let us not
be down on it.
661
00:46:39,557 --> 00:46:42,876
One total catastrophe like this
662
00:46:42,876 --> 00:46:44,677
is just the beginning!
663
00:46:44,677 --> 00:46:47,556
Their glorious deaths
shall unite us all in...
664
00:46:47,556 --> 00:46:49,474
Look out!
665
00:46:59,758 --> 00:47:00,448
Hello?
666
00:47:01,876 --> 00:47:03,875
Matthias?
667
00:47:03,875 --> 00:47:06,154
- Reg?
- Go away.
668
00:47:07,796 --> 00:47:09,674
Reg, it's me, Brian.
669
00:47:09,674 --> 00:47:11,753
Get off!
Get off out of it!
670
00:47:11,753 --> 00:47:13,715
- Stan!
- Piss off.
671
00:47:13,715 --> 00:47:15,554
- Yeah, piss off.
- Bugger off.
672
00:47:17,794 --> 00:47:20,514
Oh, shit!
673
00:47:20,514 --> 00:47:22,431
Coming.
674
00:47:26,914 --> 00:47:30,473
Yea, verily at that time it is
written in the book of Obadiah,
675
00:47:30,473 --> 00:47:35,271
a man shall strike his donkey
and his nephew's donkey.
676
00:47:38,154 --> 00:47:41,191
My eyes are dim.
I cannot see.
677
00:47:41,191 --> 00:47:43,631
- Are you Matthias?
- Yes.
678
00:47:43,631 --> 00:47:46,513
We have reason to believe
you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,
679
00:47:46,513 --> 00:47:49,631
a member of the terrorist organization,
the People's Front of Judea.
680
00:47:49,631 --> 00:47:52,352
Me? No.
I'm just a poor old man.
681
00:47:52,352 --> 00:47:54,353
I have no time
for lawbreakers.
682
00:47:54,353 --> 00:47:56,670
My legs are grey.
My ears are nulled.
683
00:47:56,670 --> 00:47:58,671
My eyes are old and bent.
684
00:47:58,671 --> 00:48:00,712
Quiet!
Silly person.
685
00:48:00,712 --> 00:48:02,790
Guards, search the house.
686
00:48:12,870 --> 00:48:15,267
You know the penalty
laid down by Roman law...
687
00:48:15,267 --> 00:48:17,270
for harboring
a known criminal?
688
00:48:17,270 --> 00:48:19,190
- No.
- Crucifixion.
689
00:48:21,510 --> 00:48:24,988
- Nasty, eh?
- Could be worse.
690
00:48:24,988 --> 00:48:27,390
What do you mean,
could be worse?
691
00:48:27,390 --> 00:48:29,588
Well, you could be stabbed.
692
00:48:29,588 --> 00:48:32,989
Stabbed? Takes a second.
Crucifixion lasts hours.
693
00:48:32,989 --> 00:48:35,548
It's a slow, horrible death.
694
00:48:35,548 --> 00:48:38,668
Well, at least it gets you
out in the open air.
695
00:48:39,910 --> 00:48:41,748
You're weird.
696
00:48:48,749 --> 00:48:51,907
No, sir.
Couldn't find anything, sir.
697
00:48:51,907 --> 00:48:56,027
Well, don't worry.
You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.
698
00:48:56,027 --> 00:48:58,467
- Big Nose.
- Watch it!
699
00:49:01,147 --> 00:49:03,666
Whew, that was lucky.
700
00:49:06,747 --> 00:49:08,587
I'm sorry, Reg.
701
00:49:08,587 --> 00:49:10,826
Oh, it's all right.
He's sorry.
702
00:49:10,826 --> 00:49:13,507
He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion
straight to our headquarters.
703
00:49:13,507 --> 00:49:16,306
Well, that's all right
then, Brian. Sit down.
704
00:49:16,306 --> 00:49:19,787
Have a scone.
Make yourself at home. You klutz!
705
00:49:19,787 --> 00:49:23,185
You stupid, birdbrained,
flatheaded...
706
00:49:30,266 --> 00:49:33,504
My legs are old and bent.
707
00:49:33,504 --> 00:49:35,425
My ears are grizzled. Yes?
708
00:49:35,425 --> 00:49:38,543
There's one place
we didn't look. Guards!
709
00:49:38,543 --> 00:49:42,543
I'm just a poor old man.
710
00:49:42,543 --> 00:49:44,464
My nose is knackered.
711
00:49:44,464 --> 00:49:46,863
Have you ever seen
anyone crucified?
712
00:49:46,863 --> 00:49:49,184
Crucifixion's a doddle.
713
00:49:49,184 --> 00:49:51,104
Don't keep saying that.
714
00:49:55,704 --> 00:49:57,903
Found this spoon, sir.
715
00:49:57,903 --> 00:50:00,104
Well done, sergeant.
716
00:50:00,104 --> 00:50:03,543
We'll be back, oddball.
717
00:50:05,864 --> 00:50:07,902
Open up!
718
00:50:07,902 --> 00:50:10,421
You haven't given us
time to hide.
719
00:50:22,022 --> 00:50:25,661
- In that time...
- The serpent, he shall strike you...
720
00:50:25,661 --> 00:50:30,021
Holes from every bitch you
got germs from Jumbo jets.
721
00:50:34,102 --> 00:50:36,700
Don't pass judgement
on other people...
722
00:50:36,700 --> 00:50:38,780
or you might
get judged yourself.
723
00:50:38,780 --> 00:50:42,340
- What?
- I said, don't pass judgement on other people...
724
00:50:42,340 --> 00:50:45,020
or else you might
get judged too.
725
00:50:45,020 --> 00:50:46,901
- Who, me?
- Yes.
726
00:50:46,901 --> 00:50:49,979
- Thank you very much.
- Not just you. All of you.
727
00:50:49,979 --> 00:50:52,298
- That's a nice gourd.
- What?
728
00:50:52,298 --> 00:50:54,739
- How much do you want for the gourd?
- You can have it.
729
00:50:54,739 --> 00:50:57,460
- Have it?
- Yes. Consider the lilies.
730
00:50:57,460 --> 00:50:59,659
- Don't you want to haggle?
- No. In the field.
731
00:50:59,659 --> 00:51:01,858
- What's wrong with it?
- Nothing. Take it.
732
00:51:01,858 --> 00:51:04,939
- Consider the lilies?
- Well, the birds then.
733
00:51:04,939 --> 00:51:06,859
- What birds?
- Any birds.
734
00:51:06,859 --> 00:51:09,377
- Why?
- Well, have they got jobs?
735
00:51:09,377 --> 00:51:11,297
- Who?
- The birds.
736
00:51:11,297 --> 00:51:13,220
Have the birds got jobs?
737
00:51:13,220 --> 00:51:16,698
- What's the matter with him?
- Says the birds are scrounging.
738
00:51:16,698 --> 00:51:19,578
The point is, the birds,
they do all right, don't they?
739
00:51:19,578 --> 00:51:22,337
- Well, good luck to 'em.
- Yeah, they're very pretty.
740
00:51:22,337 --> 00:51:26,217
Okay. And you're much more
important than they are, right?
741
00:51:26,217 --> 00:51:28,938
So what are you worrying about?
There you are. See?
742
00:51:28,938 --> 00:51:31,538
I'm worrying about what
you've got against birds.
743
00:51:31,538 --> 00:51:33,617
I haven't got anything
against the birds.
744
00:51:33,617 --> 00:51:36,538
- Consider the lilies.
- He's having a go at the flowers now!
745
00:51:36,538 --> 00:51:39,417
- Give the flowers a chance.
- I'll give you one for it.
746
00:51:39,417 --> 00:51:41,577
- It's yours.
- Two then.
747
00:51:41,577 --> 00:51:43,854
Look, there was this man,
and he had two servants.
748
00:51:43,854 --> 00:51:46,537
What were they called?
What were their names?
749
00:51:46,537 --> 00:51:49,016
I don't know.
And he gave them some talents.
750
00:51:49,016 --> 00:51:51,696
- You don't know?
- Well, it doesn't matter.
751
00:51:51,696 --> 00:51:53,735
He doesn't know
what they were called!
752
00:51:53,735 --> 00:51:56,937
- They were called Simon and Adrian.
- You said you didn't know!
753
00:51:56,937 --> 00:51:59,936
It really doesn't matter. The point is,
there were these two servants.
754
00:51:59,936 --> 00:52:02,856
- He's making it up as he goes along.
- No, I'm not!
755
00:52:02,856 --> 00:52:05,094
And he gave them...
Wait, were there three?
756
00:52:05,094 --> 00:52:07,416
Oh, he's terrible.
757
00:52:07,416 --> 00:52:10,813
- There were two or three.
- Oh, get off!
758
00:52:16,416 --> 00:52:19,054
Now hear this!
Blessed are they...
759
00:52:19,054 --> 00:52:21,334
- Three.
- who convert their neighbor's asses.
760
00:52:21,334 --> 00:52:25,013
- For they shall inhibit their girth.
- Rubbish!
761
00:52:25,013 --> 00:52:28,174
And to them only shall be given
762
00:52:28,174 --> 00:52:31,373
to them only
763
00:52:31,373 --> 00:52:35,093
shall be given...
764
00:52:36,854 --> 00:52:38,033
What?
765
00:52:38,733 --> 00:52:41,291
- Shall be given what?
- Oh, nothing.
766
00:52:41,291 --> 00:52:43,692
- What were you going to say?
- Nothing.
767
00:52:43,692 --> 00:52:45,971
- Yes, you were going to say something.
- No, I finished.
768
00:52:45,971 --> 00:52:49,013
- Tell us before you go.
- I'm finished.
769
00:52:49,013 --> 00:52:51,292
- No, you don't.
- Why won't he tell?
770
00:52:51,292 --> 00:52:53,932
- Won't say!
- It ain't a secret, is it?
771
00:52:53,932 --> 00:52:56,691
- Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
- Tell us.
772
00:52:56,691 --> 00:52:58,691
- Leave me alone.
- What is the secret?
773
00:52:58,691 --> 00:53:01,052
- Is it the secret of eternal life?
- He won't say.
774
00:53:01,052 --> 00:53:03,729
If I knew the secret
of eternal life, I wouldn't say.
775
00:53:03,729 --> 00:53:06,250
- Leave me alone!
- Just tell me, please.
776
00:53:06,250 --> 00:53:09,090
We were here first.
777
00:53:09,090 --> 00:53:11,650
- Go away!
- Tell us, master.
778
00:53:11,650 --> 00:53:14,571
- Is that his gourd?
- Yeah, but it's under offer.
779
00:53:14,571 --> 00:53:16,650
This is his gourd.
780
00:53:16,650 --> 00:53:19,808
- Ten!
- It is his gourd!
781
00:53:19,808 --> 00:53:22,731
We will carry it for you, master.
782
00:53:22,731 --> 00:53:26,129
- Master?
- He's gone!
783
00:53:26,129 --> 00:53:28,529
He's been taken up.
784
00:53:28,529 --> 00:53:30,570
He's been taken up!
785
00:53:30,570 --> 00:53:33,369
- Nineteen!
- No, there he is. Over there.
786
00:53:58,567 --> 00:53:59,566
Look!
787
00:54:00,766 --> 00:54:02,688
He has given us a sign.
788
00:54:02,688 --> 00:54:05,046
He has given us his shoe!
789
00:54:05,046 --> 00:54:07,807
The shoe is the sign.
Let us follow his example.
790
00:54:07,807 --> 00:54:11,885
- What?
- Let us, like him, hold up one shoe!
791
00:54:11,885 --> 00:54:16,006
For this is his sign that all
who follow him shall do likewise!
792
00:54:16,006 --> 00:54:18,485
- Yes!
- No, no. The shoe is a sign...
793
00:54:18,485 --> 00:54:21,605
that we must gather shoes
together in abundance.
794
00:54:21,605 --> 00:54:24,086
Cast off the shoes.
Follow the gourd!
795
00:54:24,086 --> 00:54:27,086
No, let us gather shoes
together! Let me!
796
00:54:27,086 --> 00:54:31,324
No, it is a sign that, like him, we must
think not of the things of the body...
797
00:54:31,324 --> 00:54:33,245
but of the face and head.
798
00:54:33,245 --> 00:54:35,805
- Give me your shoe!
- Get off!
799
00:54:35,805 --> 00:54:39,165
Follow the gourd,
the Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!
800
00:54:39,165 --> 00:54:42,764
- The gourd!
- Hold up the sandal, as he has commanded us.
801
00:54:42,764 --> 00:54:45,325
- It is a shoe!
- It's a sandal!
802
00:54:45,325 --> 00:54:47,763
- No, it isn't!
- Cast it away!
803
00:54:47,763 --> 00:54:49,684
- Put it on!
- Clear off!
804
00:54:49,684 --> 00:54:52,243
Take the shoes
and follow him!
805
00:54:57,925 --> 00:55:00,524
Come back! Stop!
806
00:55:00,524 --> 00:55:03,923
Let us... Let us pray.
807
00:55:05,044 --> 00:55:07,802
Yea, he cometh to us
808
00:55:07,802 --> 00:55:10,083
like the seeds of the grain...
809
00:55:31,522 --> 00:55:35,080
Master! Master!
810
00:55:56,081 --> 00:55:59,001
Hey! Is there
another way down?
811
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:02,560
Is there another path
down to the river?
812
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:05,797
Please, please help me.
I've got to get...
813
00:56:09,239 --> 00:56:11,699
Oh, my foot!
814
00:56:12,599 --> 00:56:15,438
Oh, damn, damn, damn!
815
00:56:15,438 --> 00:56:18,920
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, damn, damn it! Blast it!
816
00:56:18,920 --> 00:56:21,158
- I'm sorry.
- Don't you 'shhh' me.
817
00:56:21,158 --> 00:56:24,157
Eighteen years of total silence,
and you 'shhh' me!
818
00:56:24,157 --> 00:56:27,237
- What?
- I've kept my vow for 18 years.
819
00:56:27,237 --> 00:56:31,197
Not a single, recognizable,
articulate sound has passed my lips.
820
00:56:31,197 --> 00:56:33,716
Could you be quiet
for another five minutes?
821
00:56:33,716 --> 00:56:36,317
It doesn't matter now.
I might as well enjoy myself.
822
00:56:36,317 --> 00:56:39,039
For the last 18 years,
I've wanted to shout...
823
00:56:39,039 --> 00:56:41,716
and sing and scream
my name out!
824
00:56:41,716 --> 00:56:43,797
Oh, I'm alive!
825
00:56:49,637 --> 00:56:53,195
Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!
Hello, birds. Hello, trees.
826
00:56:53,195 --> 00:56:55,917
I'm alive! I'm alive!
827
00:57:00,674 --> 00:57:04,115
Master! Master! Master!
828
00:57:04,115 --> 00:57:07,515
- Master!
- The master! He is here!
829
00:57:07,515 --> 00:57:11,797
His shoe led us to him!
830
00:57:11,797 --> 00:57:15,394
Speak! Speak to us, master.
Speak to us!
831
00:57:15,394 --> 00:57:17,115
Go away!
832
00:57:17,115 --> 00:57:19,673
A blessing! A blessing!
833
00:57:19,673 --> 00:57:22,114
How shall we go away, master?
834
00:57:22,114 --> 00:57:24,514
Oh, just go away
and leave me alone!
835
00:57:24,514 --> 00:57:26,634
Give us a sign!
836
00:57:26,634 --> 00:57:29,873
He has given us a sign!
He has brought us to this place!
837
00:57:29,873 --> 00:57:32,676
I didn't bring you here.
You just followed me.
838
00:57:32,676 --> 00:57:35,674
Oh, it's still a good sign
by any standard.
839
00:57:35,674 --> 00:57:38,553
Master, your people
have walked many miles to be with you!
840
00:57:38,553 --> 00:57:40,512
They are weary
and have not eaten.
841
00:57:40,512 --> 00:57:42,634
It's not my fault
they haven't eaten.
842
00:57:42,634 --> 00:57:45,072
There is no food
in this high mountain!
843
00:57:45,072 --> 00:57:48,233
What about the juniper
bushes over there?
844
00:57:48,233 --> 00:57:51,871
A miracle! A miracle!
845
00:57:51,871 --> 00:57:56,113
He has made the bush
fruitful by his words!
846
00:57:56,113 --> 00:57:58,472
They've brought forth
juniper berries.
847
00:57:58,472 --> 00:58:02,071
Of course! They're juniper bushes!
What do you expect!
848
00:58:02,071 --> 00:58:04,153
Show us another miracle.
849
00:58:04,153 --> 00:58:06,232
Do not tempt him, shallow ones!
850
00:58:06,232 --> 00:58:09,869
Is not the miracle of
the juniper bushes enough?
851
00:58:09,869 --> 00:58:11,950
I say, those
are my juniper bushes!
852
00:58:11,950 --> 00:58:15,552
- They are a gift from God.
- They're all I've got to eat.
853
00:58:15,552 --> 00:58:20,591
I say, get off those bushes.
Go on. Clear off.
854
00:58:20,591 --> 00:58:24,749
Lord, I am affected
by a bald patch.
855
00:58:24,749 --> 00:58:28,031
I'm healed!
The master has healed me!
856
00:58:28,031 --> 00:58:29,950
I didn't touch him!
857
00:58:29,950 --> 00:58:32,710
I was blind,
and now I can see!
858
00:58:32,710 --> 00:58:35,789
A miracle! A miracle!
859
00:58:35,789 --> 00:58:38,789
Tell them to stop it.
860
00:58:38,789 --> 00:58:42,228
I hadn't said a word
for 18 years till he came along.
861
00:58:42,228 --> 00:58:45,909
A miracle!
He is the Messiah!
862
00:58:45,909 --> 00:58:47,669
He hurt my foot!
863
00:58:47,669 --> 00:58:50,868
Hurt my foot!
Hurt mine!
864
00:58:50,868 --> 00:58:54,548
- Hail Messiah!
- I'm not the Messiah.
865
00:58:54,548 --> 00:58:58,029
I say you are, Lord, and I should know.
I've followed a few.
866
00:58:58,029 --> 00:59:00,307
Hail Messiah!
867
00:59:00,307 --> 00:59:03,108
I'm not the Messiah!
Will you please listen?
868
00:59:03,108 --> 00:59:06,347
I'm not the Messiah!
Do you understand? Honestly!
869
00:59:06,347 --> 00:59:10,627
Only the true Messiah
denies his divinity.
870
00:59:10,627 --> 00:59:13,907
What? Well, what sort of chance
does that give me?
871
00:59:13,907 --> 00:59:16,108
All right,
I am the Messiah!
872
00:59:16,108 --> 00:59:19,746
He is!
He is the Messiah!
873
00:59:19,746 --> 00:59:22,066
Now, fuck off!
874
00:59:29,548 --> 00:59:31,426
How shall we
fuck off, O Lord?
875
00:59:31,426 --> 00:59:33,266
Just leave me alone!
876
00:59:33,266 --> 00:59:36,344
You told these people
to eat my juniper berries!
877
00:59:36,344 --> 00:59:39,306
You break my bloody foot,
you break my vow of silence...
878
00:59:39,306 --> 00:59:42,307
and then you try to clean up
on my juniper bushes!
879
00:59:42,307 --> 00:59:45,584
- Lay off!
- This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
880
00:59:45,584 --> 00:59:48,625
- No, he's not.
- An unbeliever!
881
00:59:48,625 --> 00:59:52,704
- An unbeliever!
- Persecute. Kill the heretic!
882
00:59:55,186 --> 00:59:58,465
- Seize him!
- Leave him alone!
883
00:59:58,465 --> 01:00:00,743
Leave him alone!
884
01:00:00,743 --> 01:00:02,984
Leave him alone.
885
01:00:02,984 --> 01:00:05,904
Let him go! Please!
886
01:00:09,704 --> 01:00:12,503
- Brian?
- Judith?
887
01:00:57,340 --> 01:01:01,859
Look! There he is!
The Chosen One has woken!
888
01:01:04,300 --> 01:01:04,990
Brian!
889
01:01:08,981 --> 01:01:10,980
- Brian!
- Hang on, Mother!
890
01:01:14,941 --> 01:01:17,900
- Hello, Mother.
- Don't you hello Mother me!
891
01:01:17,900 --> 01:01:20,057
What are all those people
doing out there?
892
01:01:20,057 --> 01:01:22,979
- Well, I...
- Come on. What have you been up to?
893
01:01:22,979 --> 01:01:25,418
I think they must have
popped by for something.
894
01:01:25,418 --> 01:01:28,141
Popped by?
Swarmed by, more like.
895
01:01:28,141 --> 01:01:30,217
There's a multitude out there!
896
01:01:30,217 --> 01:01:32,338
They started following me yesterday.
897
01:01:32,338 --> 01:01:35,418
Well, they can stop
following you right now.
898
01:01:35,418 --> 01:01:38,218
Now, stop following my son!
899
01:01:38,218 --> 01:01:41,097
You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.
900
01:01:41,097 --> 01:01:45,299
The Messiah! The Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
901
01:01:45,299 --> 01:01:48,138
- The who?
- The Messiah!
902
01:01:48,138 --> 01:01:50,736
There's no messiah in here.
903
01:01:50,736 --> 01:01:53,898
There's a mess, all right,
but no messiah. Now, go away.
904
01:01:53,898 --> 01:01:56,415
Brian! Brian!
905
01:01:56,415 --> 01:01:58,496
Right, my lad.
What have you been up to?
906
01:01:58,496 --> 01:02:00,455
- Nothing, Mum.
- Come on, out with it.
907
01:02:00,455 --> 01:02:02,375
Well, they think
I'm the Messiah, Mum.
908
01:02:02,375 --> 01:02:04,737
What have you
been telling them?
909
01:02:04,737 --> 01:02:07,016
- Nothing. I only...
- You're only making it worse for yourself.
910
01:02:07,016 --> 01:02:10,454
- I can explain.
- Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!
911
01:02:10,454 --> 01:02:13,053
Your son is a born leader.
912
01:02:13,053 --> 01:02:16,655
Those people out there are following him
because they believe in him.
913
01:02:16,655 --> 01:02:19,537
They believe he can give them hope,
hope of a new life,
914
01:02:19,537 --> 01:02:21,973
a new world,
a better future!
915
01:02:24,096 --> 01:02:26,254
Who's that?
916
01:02:26,254 --> 01:02:29,254
That's Judith, Mum.
Judith, Mother.
917
01:02:32,999 --> 01:02:36,774
Messiah! Messiah! Messiah!
918
01:02:36,774 --> 01:02:39,693
Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
919
01:02:39,693 --> 01:02:42,853
Now, you listen here.
He's not the Messiah!
920
01:02:42,853 --> 01:02:46,054
He's a very naughty boy.
Now, go away!
921
01:02:46,054 --> 01:02:50,012
Who are you?
I'm his mother, that's who.
922
01:02:50,012 --> 01:02:54,372
Behold his mother!
Behold his mother!
923
01:02:54,372 --> 01:02:57,731
Hail to thee,
mother of Brian!
924
01:02:57,731 --> 01:03:02,131
Blessed art thou!
Hosanna!
925
01:03:02,131 --> 01:03:05,690
All praise to thee,
now and always!
926
01:03:05,690 --> 01:03:08,851
Well, now don't think
you can get around me like that.
927
01:03:08,851 --> 01:03:12,252
He's not coming out,
and that's my final word.
928
01:03:13,491 --> 01:03:16,250
- Now, shove off!
- No!
929
01:03:16,250 --> 01:03:20,572
- Did you hear what I said?
- Yes!
930
01:03:20,572 --> 01:03:23,451
Oh, I see.
It's like that, is it?
931
01:03:23,451 --> 01:03:26,769
- Yes!
- Oh, all right then.
932
01:03:26,769 --> 01:03:30,411
You can see him for one minute,
but not one second more!
933
01:03:30,411 --> 01:03:32,849
- Do you understand?
- Yes.
934
01:03:32,849 --> 01:03:36,929
- Promise?
- Well, all right.
935
01:03:36,929 --> 01:03:40,529
All right, here he is then.
Come on, Brian. Come and talk.
936
01:03:40,529 --> 01:03:43,851
- But, Mum, Judith.
- Oh, leave that Welsh tart alone.
937
01:03:43,851 --> 01:03:45,809
I don't really want to.
938
01:03:45,809 --> 01:03:48,810
Brian! Brian!
Brian! Brian!
939
01:03:52,130 --> 01:03:55,809
- Good morning.
- A blessing! A blessing!
940
01:03:55,809 --> 01:04:00,246
No, no. Please.
Please, please listen.
941
01:04:00,246 --> 01:04:03,488
I've got one or two
things to say.
942
01:04:03,488 --> 01:04:06,006
Tell us!
Tell us both of them!
943
01:04:06,006 --> 01:04:08,726
Look, you've
got it all wrong.
944
01:04:08,726 --> 01:04:11,288
You don't need to follow me.
945
01:04:11,288 --> 01:04:14,526
You don't need
to follow anybody.
946
01:04:14,526 --> 01:04:16,807
You've got to think
for yourselves.
947
01:04:16,807 --> 01:04:19,526
You're all individuals.
948
01:04:19,526 --> 01:04:22,728
Yes, we're all individuals!
949
01:04:22,728 --> 01:04:24,727
You're all different.
950
01:04:24,727 --> 01:04:27,846
Yes, we're all different!
951
01:04:27,846 --> 01:04:29,487
I'm not.
952
01:04:30,487 --> 01:04:34,085
You've all got to work it
out for yourselves.
953
01:04:34,085 --> 01:04:38,126
Yes, we've got to work it
out for ourselves!
954
01:04:38,126 --> 01:04:40,087
Exactly.
955
01:04:40,087 --> 01:04:42,325
Tell us more!
956
01:04:42,325 --> 01:04:46,725
No! That's the point!
Don't let anyone tell you what to do!
957
01:04:46,725 --> 01:04:48,325
Otherwise...
958
01:04:48,725 --> 01:04:50,766
That's enough.
That's enough.
959
01:04:50,766 --> 01:04:54,204
Ooh, that wasn't a minute!
960
01:04:55,486 --> 01:04:59,804
- Oh, yes it was!
- Oh, no it wasn't!
961
01:04:59,804 --> 01:05:02,686
Now, stop that!
And go away!
962
01:05:02,686 --> 01:05:04,883
- Excuse me?
- Yes?
963
01:05:04,883 --> 01:05:09,083
- Are you a virgin?
- I beg your pardon!
964
01:05:09,083 --> 01:05:13,402
Well, if it's not a personal
question, are you a virgin?
965
01:05:13,402 --> 01:05:16,082
If it's not
a personal question?
966
01:05:16,082 --> 01:05:18,523
How much more personal
can you get?
967
01:05:18,523 --> 01:05:20,763
Now, piss off!
968
01:05:21,964 --> 01:05:24,083
- She is.
- Yeah, definitely.
969
01:05:28,762 --> 01:05:31,082
Morning, Savior.
970
01:05:40,562 --> 01:05:42,560
Lay your hands
on me, quick!
971
01:05:42,560 --> 01:05:45,762
Now, don't jostle
the Chosen One, please.
972
01:05:45,762 --> 01:05:49,680
Don't push that baby
in the Savior's face.
973
01:05:49,680 --> 01:05:53,239
I say, could you just
see my wife?
974
01:05:53,239 --> 01:05:55,280
You'll have to wait,
I'm afraid.
975
01:05:55,280 --> 01:05:57,721
We've got
a luncheon appointment.
976
01:05:57,721 --> 01:05:59,681
The lepers are queuing.
977
01:05:59,681 --> 01:06:02,520
My brother-in-law
is the ex-mayor of Gath!
978
01:06:02,520 --> 01:06:06,561
Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's
letting us have the Mounts on Sunday?
979
01:06:06,561 --> 01:06:11,558
Don't push!
And keep the noise down!
980
01:06:11,558 --> 01:06:16,558
Those possessed by devils,
try and keep them under control.
981
01:06:16,558 --> 01:06:19,319
Incurables, you'll just
have to wait for a few minutes.
982
01:06:20,319 --> 01:06:23,799
Women taken in sin, line up
against that wall, will you?
983
01:06:23,799 --> 01:06:28,479
Brian? Brian,
you were fantastic.
984
01:06:28,479 --> 01:06:30,599
You weren't so bad yourself.
985
01:06:30,599 --> 01:06:33,519
No. What you said just now.
It was quite extraordinary.
986
01:06:33,519 --> 01:06:35,479
What?
All that, was it?
987
01:06:35,479 --> 01:06:37,558
We don't need any leaders.
You're so right.
988
01:06:37,558 --> 01:06:40,278
- Reg has been dominating us for too long.
- Well, yes.
989
01:06:40,278 --> 01:06:43,997
- It needed saying, and you said it, Brian.
- You're very attractive.
990
01:06:43,997 --> 01:06:47,198
It's our revolution.
We can all do it together.
991
01:06:47,198 --> 01:06:49,998
- I think... I think...
- We're all behind you, Brian.
992
01:06:49,998 --> 01:06:53,037
- The revolution is in your hands!
- What?
993
01:06:53,037 --> 01:06:55,275
No, that's not
what I meant at all!
994
01:06:55,275 --> 01:06:58,517
You're fuckin' nicked,
me old beauty.
995
01:06:58,517 --> 01:06:59,207
Right.
996
01:07:05,958 --> 01:07:08,197
Stop it.
997
01:07:10,317 --> 01:07:12,700
Well, Bwian, you've given us
a good wun for our money.
998
01:07:12,717 --> 01:07:13,556
What?
999
01:07:15,797 --> 01:07:19,195
But this time, I guawantee
you will not escape.
1000
01:07:19,195 --> 01:07:24,035
Guard, do we have any
cwucifixions today?
1001
01:07:24,035 --> 01:07:27,553
139, sir. Special celebration.
Passover, sir.
1002
01:07:27,553 --> 01:07:31,754
Right. Now we have 140.
Nice round number, Biggus?
1003
01:07:31,754 --> 01:07:35,433
Hail Caesar!
1004
01:07:35,433 --> 01:07:38,353
- Hail.
- The crowd outside getting restless.
1005
01:07:38,353 --> 01:07:40,394
Permission
to disperse them, please.
1006
01:07:40,394 --> 01:07:43,794
Disperse them?
I haven't addressed them yet.
1007
01:07:43,794 --> 01:07:45,394
I know, sir, but...
1008
01:07:45,394 --> 01:07:47,793
My addwess is one of
the high points of the Passover.
1009
01:07:47,793 --> 01:07:49,994
My fwiend Biggus Dickus has
come all the way from Wome.
1010
01:07:49,994 --> 01:07:53,392
- Hail Caesar.
- Hail Thaesar.
1011
01:07:53,392 --> 01:07:56,153
You're not...
1012
01:07:56,153 --> 01:07:59,753
Are you not thinking of giving it
a miss this year then, sir?
1013
01:07:59,753 --> 01:08:01,834
Give it a miss?
1014
01:08:01,834 --> 01:08:05,151
Well, it's just that they're in
a rather funny mood today, sir.
1015
01:08:05,151 --> 01:08:08,112
Weally, centuwion, I'm surpwised
to hear a man like you...
1016
01:08:08,112 --> 01:08:10,511
wattled by
a wabble of wowdy webels.
1017
01:08:10,511 --> 01:08:13,551
- A bit thundery, sir.
- Take him away.
1018
01:08:13,551 --> 01:08:16,312
I'm a Roman!
I can prove it! Honestly!
1019
01:08:16,312 --> 01:08:19,590
And cwucify him well.
1020
01:08:19,590 --> 01:08:20,396
Biggus.
1021
01:08:22,191 --> 01:08:24,790
- I really wouldn't, sir.
- Out of the way, centuwion.
1022
01:08:24,790 --> 01:08:27,031
Let me come with you, Pontiuth.
1023
01:08:27,031 --> 01:08:31,109
I may be of thome athistance
if there is a thudden crithis.
1024
01:08:31,109 --> 01:08:35,351
Right. Now item four, attainment of world
supremacy within the next five years.
1025
01:08:35,351 --> 01:08:38,469
- Francis, you've been doing some work on this?
- Yeah. Thank you, Reg.
1026
01:08:38,469 --> 01:08:41,869
Well, quite frankly, siblings,
I think five years is optimistic...
1027
01:08:41,869 --> 01:08:44,751
unless we can smash the Roman Empire
within the next 12 months.
1028
01:08:44,751 --> 01:08:46,670
- Twelve months?
- Yeah, twelve months.
1029
01:08:46,670 --> 01:08:50,069
And let's face it, as empires
go, this is the big one,
1030
01:08:50,069 --> 01:08:54,229
so we gotta get up off our asses
and stop just talkin' about it.
1031
01:08:54,229 --> 01:08:57,068
- Hear! Hear!
- It's action that counts, not words.
1032
01:08:57,068 --> 01:08:59,428
- And we need action now!
- Hear! Hear!
1033
01:08:59,428 --> 01:09:01,427
You're right. We could
sit around here all day,
1034
01:09:01,427 --> 01:09:04,789
talkin', passin' resolutions,
makin' clever speeches.
1035
01:09:04,789 --> 01:09:07,108
It's not gonna shift
one Roman soldier!
1036
01:09:07,108 --> 01:09:10,468
So let's just stop gabbin' on about it.
It's completely pointless,
1037
01:09:10,468 --> 01:09:12,429
- and it's gettin' us nowhere.
- Right!
1038
01:09:12,429 --> 01:09:14,827
I agree. This is a complete
waste of time.
1039
01:09:16,229 --> 01:09:18,547
- They've arrested Brian!
- What? What?
1040
01:09:18,547 --> 01:09:21,186
They dragged him off!
They want to crucify him!
1041
01:09:21,186 --> 01:09:24,629
Right! This calls
for immediate discussion!
1042
01:09:24,629 --> 01:09:26,188
- What?
- Immediate!
1043
01:09:26,188 --> 01:09:27,629
- Right.
- New motion?
1044
01:09:27,629 --> 01:09:29,946
Completely new motion
that...
1045
01:09:29,946 --> 01:09:32,586
that there be
immediate action...
1046
01:09:32,586 --> 01:09:35,188
- Once the vote has been taken.
- Obviously once the vote's been taken.
1047
01:09:35,188 --> 01:09:38,000
You can't act on a resolution
till you've voted on it.
1048
01:09:38,026 --> 01:09:39,226
Reg, let's go now, please!
1049
01:09:39,226 --> 01:09:43,105
Right! In the light of fresh
information from Sibling Judith.
1050
01:09:43,126 --> 01:09:44,105
Not so fast, Reg.
1051
01:09:44,105 --> 01:09:47,905
Reg, for God's sake!
It's perfectly simple.
1052
01:09:47,905 --> 01:09:50,905
All you've got to do
is to go out of that door now...
1053
01:09:50,905 --> 01:09:53,425
and try to stop the Romans
nailing him up!
1054
01:09:53,425 --> 01:09:57,224
It's happening, Reg!
Something's actually happening, Reg!
1055
01:09:57,224 --> 01:09:59,744
Can't you understand?
1056
01:10:06,225 --> 01:10:08,544
A little ego trip
from the feminists?
1057
01:10:08,544 --> 01:10:11,024
- What?
- Oh, sorry, Loretta?
1058
01:10:11,024 --> 01:10:13,024
Read that back,
would you?
1059
01:10:25,585 --> 01:10:28,104
Next?
Crucifixion?
1060
01:10:28,104 --> 01:10:30,062
- Yes.
- Good.
1061
01:10:30,062 --> 01:10:33,541
Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
1062
01:10:33,541 --> 01:10:35,622
Next?
Crucifixion?
1063
01:10:35,622 --> 01:10:37,544
- Yes.
- Good.
1064
01:10:37,544 --> 01:10:40,021
Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
1065
01:10:40,021 --> 01:10:42,462
Next?
Crucifixion?
1066
01:10:42,962 --> 01:10:45,022
- No, freedom.
- What?
1067
01:10:45,022 --> 01:10:47,423
Freedom for me.
They said I hadn't done anything,
1068
01:10:47,423 --> 01:10:50,221
so I could go free
and live on an island somewhere.
1069
01:10:50,221 --> 01:10:53,382
Oh, well, that's jolly good.
Well, off you go then.
1070
01:10:53,382 --> 01:10:55,980
No, I'm only pulling your leg.
It's crucifixion really.
1071
01:10:55,980 --> 01:10:58,421
Oh, I see.
Very good, very good.
1072
01:10:58,421 --> 01:11:00,660
- Well, out of the door...
- Yeah, I know the way. Out the door,
1073
01:11:00,660 --> 01:11:02,581
one cross each,
line on the left.
1074
01:11:02,581 --> 01:11:04,500
Line on the left.
Yes, thank you.
1075
01:11:04,500 --> 01:11:06,500
- Crucifixion? Good.
- Yes.
1076
01:11:19,620 --> 01:11:24,378
People of Jewusalem,
1077
01:11:24,378 --> 01:11:27,418
Wome is your fwiend.
1078
01:11:32,340 --> 01:11:36,098
To pwove our fwiendship,
it is customawy at this time...
1079
01:11:36,098 --> 01:11:39,258
to welease a wandewer
fwom our pwisons.
1080
01:11:43,499 --> 01:11:48,057
Whom would you
have me welease?
1081
01:11:48,057 --> 01:11:51,098
Welease Woger!
1082
01:11:51,098 --> 01:11:53,696
Welease Woger!
Welease Woger!
1083
01:11:57,217 --> 01:12:02,135
Vewy well,
I shall welease Woger!
1084
01:12:04,939 --> 01:12:07,337
Sir, we don't
have a Roger, sir.
1085
01:12:07,337 --> 01:12:09,736
- What?
- We don't have anyone of that name, sir.
1086
01:12:10,736 --> 01:12:13,938
We have no Woger.
1087
01:12:16,656 --> 01:12:18,496
Well, what about
Wodewick then?
1088
01:12:18,496 --> 01:12:22,815
Yeah! Release Wodewick!
Release Wodewick!
1089
01:12:22,815 --> 01:12:27,533
Centuwion,
why do they titter so?
1090
01:12:28,736 --> 01:12:31,294
Just some
Jewish joke, sir.
1091
01:12:32,856 --> 01:12:35,614
Are they... wagging me?
1092
01:12:37,216 --> 01:12:40,494
Oh, no, sir.
1093
01:12:40,494 --> 01:12:44,814
Vewy well.
I shall welease Wodewick!
1094
01:12:44,814 --> 01:12:46,773
Sir, we don't have a Roderick either.
1095
01:12:46,773 --> 01:12:49,973
- No Woger, no Wodewick.
- Sorry, sir.
1096
01:12:49,973 --> 01:12:54,732
Who is this Wog? Who is this Wodewick
to whom you wefer?
1097
01:12:54,732 --> 01:12:57,533
He's a wobber!
1098
01:12:57,533 --> 01:13:00,373
And a wapist!
1099
01:13:00,373 --> 01:13:02,451
And a pickpocket!
1100
01:13:02,451 --> 01:13:04,414
- Yeah!
- Shut up!
1101
01:13:05,933 --> 01:13:09,291
- He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
- We haven't got him, sir.
1102
01:13:09,291 --> 01:13:12,012
Do we have anyone
in our pwisons at all?
1103
01:13:12,012 --> 01:13:14,893
- Oh, yes, sir. We got a Samson, sir.
- Samson?
1104
01:13:14,893 --> 01:13:19,051
Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir.
Silus the Assyrian Assassin.
1105
01:13:19,051 --> 01:13:22,052
Several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
1106
01:13:23,052 --> 01:13:25,652
- Sixty-seven...
- Let me thpeak to them.
1107
01:13:25,652 --> 01:13:27,930
- Oh, no...
- Yes, good idea, Biggus.
1108
01:13:27,930 --> 01:13:32,450
Citizens, we have
Samson the Sadducee Strangler,
1109
01:13:32,450 --> 01:13:35,091
Silus the Assyrian Assassin,
1110
01:13:35,091 --> 01:13:38,570
several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
1111
01:13:38,570 --> 01:13:40,571
Next.
1112
01:13:40,571 --> 01:13:42,929
- Crucifixion?
- Yes.
1113
01:13:42,929 --> 01:13:46,611
Good. Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
1114
01:13:46,611 --> 01:13:47,170
Jailer...
1115
01:13:47,180 --> 01:13:48,970
Excuse me.
There's been some sort of mistake.
1116
01:13:48,970 --> 01:13:52,569
Just a moment, would you?
Jailer, how many have come through?
1117
01:13:52,569 --> 01:13:54,648
What?
1118
01:13:54,648 --> 01:13:57,650
How many
have come through?
1119
01:13:57,650 --> 01:14:00,048
- What?
- You'll have to...
1120
01:14:00,048 --> 01:14:05,327
speak up a bit, sir.
1121
01:14:05,327 --> 01:14:08,208
He's de...
1122
01:14:08,208 --> 01:14:10,528
He's deaf...
He's deaf as a post, sir.
1123
01:14:10,528 --> 01:14:12,449
Oh, yes.
1124
01:14:12,449 --> 01:14:16,246
How many
have come through?
1125
01:14:19,128 --> 01:14:21,807
- Oh, dear.
- I make it ninety-f...
1126
01:14:21,807 --> 01:14:26,047
ninety-f... ninety-f...
1127
01:14:26,047 --> 01:14:28,248
ninety-six, sir.
1128
01:14:28,248 --> 01:14:30,607
It's such a senseless waste
of human life, isn't it?
1129
01:14:30,607 --> 01:14:32,567
No, sir.
1130
01:14:32,567 --> 01:14:37,046
Not with these bastards, sir.
1131
01:14:37,046 --> 01:14:39,087
C...
1132
01:14:39,087 --> 01:14:39,892
Cru...
1133
01:14:41,687 --> 01:14:44,886
Crucifixion's
too good for 'em, sir.
1134
01:14:44,886 --> 01:14:47,445
I don't think you can say it's
too good for them. It's very nasty.
1135
01:14:47,445 --> 01:14:51,885
Oh, it's not as na...
1136
01:14:51,885 --> 01:14:55,085
not as nasty as something
I just thought up, sir.
1137
01:14:55,085 --> 01:14:58,924
- Yeah. Now, crucifixion?
- Is there someone I can speak to?
1138
01:14:58,924 --> 01:15:02,365
- Well...
- I know where to get it, if you want it.
1139
01:15:02,365 --> 01:15:04,845
- What?
- Don't worry about him, sir.
1140
01:15:04,845 --> 01:15:08,404
He's de... He's de...
He's de...
1141
01:15:08,404 --> 01:15:13,044
- He's deaf and mad, sir.
- Well, how did he get the job?
1142
01:15:13,044 --> 01:15:16,165
Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.
1143
01:15:16,165 --> 01:15:19,443
Get a move on, Big Nose. There's people
waitin' to be crucified out here.
1144
01:15:19,443 --> 01:15:21,604
Could I see a lawyer or someone?
1145
01:15:21,604 --> 01:15:24,403
- Do you have a lawyer?
- No, but I'm a Roman.
1146
01:15:24,403 --> 01:15:27,243
How about a retrial?
We got plenty of time.
1147
01:15:27,243 --> 01:15:30,242
- Shut up, you!
- Miserable Romans. No sense of humor.
1148
01:15:30,242 --> 01:15:32,563
I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry.
1149
01:15:32,563 --> 01:15:36,802
Can you go straight out?
Line on the left, one cross each. Now...
1150
01:15:45,522 --> 01:15:47,522
Was it thomething I thaid?
1151
01:15:49,904 --> 01:15:50,825
Silence!
1152
01:15:53,402 --> 01:15:56,560
This man commands
a cwack legion!
1153
01:16:01,803 --> 01:16:04,361
He wanks as high
as any in Wome.
1154
01:16:07,362 --> 01:16:10,639
Crucifixion party.
1155
01:16:12,122 --> 01:16:16,120
Morning. Now, we will be on
a show as we go through the town,
1156
01:16:16,120 --> 01:16:18,081
so let's not
let the side down.
1157
01:16:18,081 --> 01:16:21,079
Keep in a straight line, three lengths
between you and the man in front...
1158
01:16:21,079 --> 01:16:23,320
and a good, steady pace.
1159
01:16:23,320 --> 01:16:25,519
Crosses over
your left shoulders,
1160
01:16:25,519 --> 01:16:28,079
and if you keep your backs
hard up against the cross beam,
1161
01:16:28,079 --> 01:16:29,999
you'll be there in no time.
1162
01:16:29,999 --> 01:16:31,958
All right, centurion.
1163
01:16:31,958 --> 01:16:36,079
Crucifixion party...
Wait for it!
1164
01:16:36,079 --> 01:16:41,839
Crucifixion party,
by the left, forward!
1165
01:16:46,078 --> 01:16:48,198
You lucky bastards!
1166
01:16:49,599 --> 01:16:53,158
You lucky, jammy bastards!
1167
01:17:01,158 --> 01:17:03,635
Let me shoulder
your burden, brother.
1168
01:17:03,635 --> 01:17:05,556
Oh, thank you.
1169
01:17:07,478 --> 01:17:10,158
- Hey! Hey!
- Hey, what do you think you're doing?
1170
01:17:10,158 --> 01:17:13,036
- It's not my cross.
- Shut up and get on with it!
1171
01:17:15,957 --> 01:17:20,195
He had you there, mate, didn't he?
That'll teach you a lesson.
1172
01:17:20,195 --> 01:17:22,955
All right.
1173
01:17:22,955 --> 01:17:25,197
I'm gonna give you
one more chance.
1174
01:17:25,197 --> 01:17:28,196
This time I want to hear
no Weubens,
1175
01:17:28,196 --> 01:17:31,355
no Weginalds,
1176
01:17:31,355 --> 01:17:34,675
no Wudolph
the Wednosed Weindeers.
1177
01:17:34,675 --> 01:17:38,555
No Spencer Tracys!
Or we shall release no one!
1178
01:17:38,555 --> 01:17:41,794
- Release Brian!
- Oh, yeah. That's a good one.
1179
01:17:41,794 --> 01:17:46,472
Welease Bwian!
Welease Bwian!
1180
01:17:46,472 --> 01:17:49,195
Vewy well. That's it.
1181
01:17:49,195 --> 01:17:51,873
- Sir, we have got a Brian, sir.
- What?
1182
01:17:51,873 --> 01:17:53,913
You just sent him
for crucifixion, sir.
1183
01:17:53,913 --> 01:17:56,873
Wait, wait.
We do have a Bwian.
1184
01:17:56,873 --> 01:18:00,074
- Well, go and wepwieve him stwaight away.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
1185
01:18:02,554 --> 01:18:04,473
Vewy well.
1186
01:18:04,473 --> 01:18:08,032
I shall welease Bwian!
1187
01:18:11,435 --> 01:18:14,113
- Get a move on there!
- Or what?
1188
01:18:14,113 --> 01:18:16,711
- Or you'll be in trouble.
- Oh, dear.
1189
01:18:16,711 --> 01:18:19,793
You mean I might have to give up
being crucified in the afternoons?
1190
01:18:19,793 --> 01:18:22,271
- Shut up!
- That would be a blow, wouldn't it?
1191
01:18:22,271 --> 01:18:25,631
I wouldn't have nothing to do.
Oh, thank you.
1192
01:18:28,873 --> 01:18:31,591
Are they gone?
1193
01:18:31,591 --> 01:18:35,711
We've got lumps of it
round the back.
1194
01:18:35,711 --> 01:18:38,591
- What?
- Oh, don't worry about him, sir.
1195
01:18:38,591 --> 01:18:41,310
He's ma...
He's m... He's ma...
1196
01:18:41,310 --> 01:18:44,192
He's m...
He's m...
1197
01:18:44,192 --> 01:18:47,111
- He's mad, sir.
- Are they gone?
1198
01:18:48,151 --> 01:18:50,271
Oh, ye...
1199
01:18:50,271 --> 01:18:51,038
I... I...
1200
01:18:56,951 --> 01:18:57,830
Oh, come on!
1201
01:18:57,830 --> 01:19:00,230
Yes, sir.
1202
01:19:00,230 --> 01:19:01,609
Anyway, get on with the story.
1203
01:19:01,620 --> 01:19:03,909
Well, I knew she never really
liked him, so I just...
1204
01:19:03,909 --> 01:19:05,470
Right.
1205
01:19:05,470 --> 01:19:07,707
That's the motion to get on with it,
passed with one abstention.
1206
01:19:07,707 --> 01:19:10,310
I propose we go without further ado.
May I have a seconder for...
1207
01:19:10,310 --> 01:19:12,389
- Let's just go.
- Yeah.
1208
01:19:23,469 --> 01:19:25,349
Oh, no!
1209
01:19:27,349 --> 01:19:29,868
- Bloody Romans!
- Watch it!
1210
01:19:29,868 --> 01:19:31,828
There's still
a few crosses left.
1211
01:19:33,388 --> 01:19:35,826
Up you go, Big Nose.
1212
01:19:35,826 --> 01:19:38,748
- I'll get you for this, you bastard.
- Oh, yeah?
1213
01:19:38,748 --> 01:19:41,945
- Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
- No?
1214
01:19:41,945 --> 01:19:46,147
I warn you, I'm gonna punch you
so hard, you Roman git!
1215
01:19:46,147 --> 01:19:48,386
Shut up, you Jewish turd!
1216
01:19:48,386 --> 01:19:51,465
Who are you calling Jewish?
I'm not Jewish!
1217
01:19:51,465 --> 01:19:53,626
- I'm a Samaritan!
- A Samaritan?
1218
01:19:53,626 --> 01:19:55,426
This is supposed
to be a Jewish section.
1219
01:19:55,426 --> 01:19:59,225
It doesn't matter.
You're all gonna die in a day or two!
1220
01:19:59,225 --> 01:20:02,624
It may not matter to you, Roman, but it
certainly matters to us, doesn't it, darling?
1221
01:20:02,624 --> 01:20:06,185
- Oh, rather!
- Under the terms of the Roman occupancy,
1222
01:20:06,185 --> 01:20:09,105
we're entitled to be crucified
in a purely Jewish area.
1223
01:20:09,105 --> 01:20:11,624
Pharisees separate from Sadducees.
1224
01:20:11,624 --> 01:20:14,706
And Swedish separate from Welsh!
1225
01:20:14,706 --> 01:20:18,543
All right, all right, all right.
We'll soon settle this.
1226
01:20:18,543 --> 01:20:22,904
Hands up all those who don't
want to be crucified here.
1227
01:20:22,904 --> 01:20:25,905
Right. Next!
1228
01:20:25,905 --> 01:20:28,823
- Look. It's not my cross.
- What?
1229
01:20:28,823 --> 01:20:31,544
It's not my cross.
I was holding it for someone.
1230
01:20:31,544 --> 01:20:33,504
Just lie down.
I haven't got all day.
1231
01:20:33,504 --> 01:20:35,823
No, of course. Look.
I hate to make a fuss.
1232
01:20:35,823 --> 01:20:39,063
Look. We've had a busy day.
There's 140 of you lot to get up.
1233
01:20:39,063 --> 01:20:41,581
- Is he Jewish?
- Will you be quiet?
1234
01:20:41,581 --> 01:20:43,820
We don't want any more
Samaritans around here.
1235
01:20:43,820 --> 01:20:47,023
- Belt up!
- Will you let me down if he comes back?
1236
01:20:47,023 --> 01:20:49,583
Yeah, yeah,
we'll let you down. Next!
1237
01:20:49,583 --> 01:20:52,342
You don't have to do this.
You don't have to take orders.
1238
01:20:52,342 --> 01:20:54,623
I like orders.
1239
01:21:16,102 --> 01:21:17,981
See? Not so bad,
once you're up.
1240
01:21:19,022 --> 01:21:20,861
You being rescued then,
are you?
1241
01:21:20,861 --> 01:21:22,781
It's a bit late for that now,
isn't it?
1242
01:21:22,781 --> 01:21:25,139
Oh, now, now. We've got
a couple of days up here.
1243
01:21:25,139 --> 01:21:27,101
Plenty of time.
Lots of people get rescued.
1244
01:21:27,601 --> 01:21:30,500
Yeah. My brother
usually rescues me,
1245
01:21:30,500 --> 01:21:33,020
if he can keep off the tail
for more than 20 minutes.
1246
01:21:33,520 --> 01:21:34,980
Randy little bugger.
1247
01:21:34,980 --> 01:21:37,259
Up and down like
the Assyrian Empire.
1248
01:21:41,340 --> 01:21:43,578
Hello.
Your family arrived then?
1249
01:21:43,578 --> 01:21:45,298
Reg!
1250
01:21:45,298 --> 01:21:48,659
- Hello, Sibling Brian.
- Thank God you've come, Reg.
1251
01:21:48,659 --> 01:21:53,138
Well, I think I should point out first, Brian,
in all fairness, we are not the rescue committee.
1252
01:21:53,138 --> 01:21:55,938
However, I have been asked to read
the following prepared statement...
1253
01:21:55,938 --> 01:21:57,899
on behalf of the movement.
1254
01:21:57,899 --> 01:22:01,458
We the People's Front of Judea
brackets, officials, end brackets
1255
01:22:01,458 --> 01:22:04,977
do hereby convey our sincere
fraternal and sisterly greetings...
1256
01:22:04,977 --> 01:22:08,295
to you, Brian, on this,
the occasion of your martyrdom.
1257
01:22:08,295 --> 01:22:11,098
- What?
- Your death will stand as a landmark...
1258
01:22:11,098 --> 01:22:13,978
in the continuing struggle
to liberate the parent land...
1259
01:22:13,978 --> 01:22:16,496
from the hands of the Roman
imperialist aggressors,
1260
01:22:16,496 --> 01:22:19,418
excluding those concerned with
drainage, medicine, roads, housing,
1261
01:22:19,418 --> 01:22:22,456
education, viniculture and any
other Romans contributing...
1262
01:22:22,456 --> 01:22:26,575
to the welfare of Jews of
both sexes and hermaphrodites.
1263
01:22:26,575 --> 01:22:29,337
Signed, on behalf
of the PFJ et cetera.
1264
01:22:29,337 --> 01:22:32,775
And I'd just like to add,
on a personal note, my own admiration...
1265
01:22:32,775 --> 01:22:34,694
for what you're doing
for us, Brian,
1266
01:22:34,694 --> 01:22:37,814
and what must be, after all,
for you a very difficult time.
1267
01:22:37,814 --> 01:22:41,814
- Reg, what are you going to...
- Goodbye, Brian, and thanks.
1268
01:22:43,976 --> 01:22:45,895
Well done, Brian.
Keep it up, lad.
1269
01:22:45,895 --> 01:22:48,454
Terrific work, Brian.
1270
01:22:53,615 --> 01:22:55,693
Right. And...
1271
01:22:55,693 --> 01:23:02,814
For he's a jolly good fellow
1272
01:23:02,814 --> 01:23:05,013
And so say all of us
1273
01:23:05,013 --> 01:23:07,134
And so say all of
1274
01:23:09,814 --> 01:23:11,653
You bastards!
1275
01:23:11,653 --> 01:23:16,974
- You bastards! You sanctimonious bastards!
- Where is Brian of Nazareth?
1276
01:23:16,974 --> 01:23:20,292
- I have an order for his release.
- You stupid bastards!
1277
01:23:20,292 --> 01:23:22,572
- I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- What?
1278
01:23:22,572 --> 01:23:24,532
- Yeah, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- Take him down.
1279
01:23:24,532 --> 01:23:27,813
- I'm Brian of Nazareth!
- I'm Brian!
1280
01:23:27,813 --> 01:23:31,210
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
1281
01:23:31,210 --> 01:23:34,372
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
1282
01:23:34,372 --> 01:23:37,170
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
1283
01:23:37,170 --> 01:23:38,731
Take him away
and release him.
1284
01:23:38,731 --> 01:23:43,530
No, I'm only joking. I'm not
really Brian. No, I'm not Brian.
1285
01:23:43,530 --> 01:23:46,689
I was only... It was a joke.
I'm only pulling your leg.
1286
01:23:46,689 --> 01:23:51,331
It's a joke! I'm not him!
I'm just having you on! Put me back!
1287
01:23:51,331 --> 01:23:53,770
Bloody Romans.
Can't take a joke.
1288
01:24:02,571 --> 01:24:05,010
The Judean People's Front!
1289
01:24:05,010 --> 01:24:08,409
The Judean People's Front!
1290
01:24:08,409 --> 01:24:11,129
Forward all!
1291
01:24:14,929 --> 01:24:17,289
Come on!
The Judean People's Front!
1292
01:24:17,289 --> 01:24:20,008
The Judean People's Front!
1293
01:24:26,370 --> 01:24:31,688
We are the Judean People's Front
Crack Suicide Squad.
1294
01:24:31,688 --> 01:24:35,206
Suicide Squad, attack!
1295
01:24:43,729 --> 01:24:45,808
That showed them, huh?
1296
01:24:47,728 --> 01:24:50,005
You silly sods.
1297
01:24:51,005 --> 01:24:55,685
Brian! Brian! Brian!
1298
01:24:55,685 --> 01:24:59,846
- Judith!
- Terrific! Great!
1299
01:24:59,846 --> 01:25:03,365
Reg has explained it all to me.
I think it's great, what you're doing.
1300
01:25:03,365 --> 01:25:05,324
Thank you, Brian.
1301
01:25:05,324 --> 01:25:07,965
I'll, I'll never forget you.
1302
01:25:16,086 --> 01:25:18,525
So there you are!
1303
01:25:18,525 --> 01:25:20,923
I might have known
it would end up like this.
1304
01:25:20,923 --> 01:25:24,804
To think of all the love and
affection I've wasted on you.
1305
01:25:24,804 --> 01:25:27,845
Well, if that's how you treat
your poor old mother,
1306
01:25:27,845 --> 01:25:29,923
in the autumn years
of her life,
1307
01:25:29,923 --> 01:25:33,322
all I can say is,
go ahead, be crucified!
1308
01:25:33,322 --> 01:25:35,802
See if I care.
I might have known...
1309
01:25:35,802 --> 01:25:36,761
Mum!
1310
01:25:38,125 --> 01:25:42,243
I don't know
what the world's coming to.
1311
01:25:47,403 --> 01:25:51,083
Cheer up, Brian.
You know what they say.
1312
01:25:51,083 --> 01:25:54,084
Some things in life are bad.
1313
01:25:54,084 --> 01:25:56,482
They can really make you mad.
1314
01:25:56,482 --> 01:26:00,403
Other things just
make you swear and curse.
1315
01:26:00,403 --> 01:26:03,123
When you're chewing
on life's gristle
1316
01:26:03,123 --> 01:26:06,562
Don't grumble,
give a whistle
1317
01:26:06,562 --> 01:26:10,523
And this'll help things
turn out for the best
1318
01:26:10,523 --> 01:26:12,482
And
1319
01:26:12,482 --> 01:26:17,001
Always look
on the bright side of life
1320
01:26:20,562 --> 01:26:25,119
Always look
on the light side of life
1321
01:26:27,560 --> 01:26:31,797
If life seems jolly rotten
there's something you've forgotten
1322
01:26:31,797 --> 01:26:35,199
And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing
1323
01:26:35,199 --> 01:26:37,479
When you're feeling in the dumps
1324
01:26:37,479 --> 01:26:39,398
Don't be silly chumps
1325
01:26:39,398 --> 01:26:43,640
Just purse your lips and
whistle, that's the thing
1326
01:26:43,640 --> 01:26:48,079
And always look
on the bright side of life
1327
01:26:51,079 --> 01:26:55,758
Always look
on the bright side of life
1328
01:26:58,597 --> 01:27:00,756
For life is quite absurd
1329
01:27:00,756 --> 01:27:02,678
And death's the final word
1330
01:27:02,678 --> 01:27:05,957
You must always face
the curtain with a bow
1331
01:27:05,957 --> 01:27:08,157
Forget about your sin
1332
01:27:08,157 --> 01:27:10,117
Give the audience a grin
1333
01:27:10,117 --> 01:27:13,438
Enjoy it, it's
your last chance anyhow
1334
01:27:13,438 --> 01:27:18,878
So always look
on the bright side of death
1335
01:27:21,879 --> 01:27:26,516
Just before you draw
your terminal breath
1336
01:27:29,478 --> 01:27:33,154
Life's a piece of shit
when you look at it
1337
01:27:33,154 --> 01:27:36,955
Life's a laugh and
death's a joke, it's true
1338
01:27:36,955 --> 01:27:41,074
You'll see it's all a show
people laughing as you go
1339
01:27:41,074 --> 01:27:44,197
Just remember that
the last laugh is on you
1340
01:27:44,197 --> 01:27:49,313
And always look
on the bright side of life
1341
01:27:52,837 --> 01:27:57,554
Always look
on the right side of life
1342
01:27:57,554 --> 01:28:00,354
Come on, Brian. Cheer up.
1343
01:28:00,354 --> 01:28:05,032
Always look
on the bright side of life
1344
01:28:08,274 --> 01:28:12,753
Always look
on the right side of life
1345
01:28:12,753 --> 01:28:15,634
Worse things happen
at sea, you know?
1346
01:28:15,634 --> 01:28:19,312
Always look
on the bright side of life
1347
01:28:19,312 --> 01:28:21,633
What have you got to lose?
You come from nothing.
1348
01:28:21,633 --> 01:28:24,071
You go back to nothing.
What have you lost?
1349
01:28:24,071 --> 01:28:24,992
Nothing!
1350
01:28:28,072 --> 01:28:30,991
Nothing will come from nothing.
You know what they say?
1351
01:28:30,991 --> 01:28:32,911
Cheer up, you old bugger.
1352
01:28:32,911 --> 01:28:35,631
Give us a grin. There you are.
1353
01:28:35,631 --> 01:28:39,470
See? It's the end of the film. Incidentally,
this record's available in the foyer.
1354
01:28:39,470 --> 01:28:43,310
Always look
on the right side of life
1355
01:28:43,310 --> 01:28:46,271
Who do you think pays for all
this rubbish?
1356
01:28:46,271 --> 01:28:50,430
Always look
on the bright side of life
1357
01:28:50,430 --> 01:28:54,230
I told him. I said to him, Bernie,
they'll never make their money back.
1358
01:28:54,230 --> 01:28:58,392
Always look
on the right side of life